Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
GZH3 Run #1396 The G20 Blue Sky Hash and News
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash...
As the world's leaders descend upon Hangzhou, the People's Republic and the Xiites are pulling out all the stops to make sure the G20 summit looks like a scene out of a photo-shopped West Lake postcard. Factories are shuttered, residents have been given vouchers for discounted trips out of the city, and migrant workers have been treated like...well...the same as they're always treated.
Fortunately, the Guangzhou Hash needs no authoritarian measures to bring you an international workshop of our own just outside the city. Our conference features elegantly-adorned trails, eloquent speakers, and fashionably-attired delagtes*. The hosting Indian**, Dutch***, and American**** dicknitaries promise nothing but Olympics/APEC/G20 Blue Skies, pristine trails free of litter, and a swimmin' hole at the B point that is safe***** to swim in.
*And, much like the upcumming G20 conference, this sentence is full of shit.
**Dots, not feathers.
***This week's trail is as flat as his girlfriend's...er....hometown.
****Maybe the last G20 summit we attend pending November election results...
*****Side effects may include skin irritation, impudence, loss of virility in males, balding, children born with 11 fingers, glaucoma, and a really fucking good time. But seriously, very cool B Point, the swimmin's fine.
On On Saturday for what will easily be the greatest summit of international diplomacy in China of all time!
What: GZH3 Run #1396: The G20 Blue Sky Hash
When: Saturday September 3rd - 1:00PM Sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Pound-a-Cherry, Just Paul, & Three Inches of Pain
How Much? 50rmb for GZ hashers and visitors. 120rmb for newcummers includes GZH3 welcum package!
What to Bring? Trail shoes, swimmies, change of clothes/footwear, 50-70rmb for dinner.
One more additional note...block September 24th on your calendar as we celebrate the 1400th run of the Guangzhou Hash! We'll do it in RED DRESS style as we raise money for the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong, and our hash brothers and sisters from Dongguan and Shekou hashes will join us for the 2nd Pearl River Delta Hash!
If you're unfamiliar with the Red Dress Run, you can get a complete history here: (http://www.reddressruns.org/?page_id=2). The simple version is that all of the hashers (and I do mean ALL) wear a beauuuutiful red dress on the trail and in the circle. You have 3 weeks to find your dress and matching attire. If not, Hash Cash will have some on hand that you can buy for 50rmb. During the day, we'll raise money for the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong so that, with the Hash Gods willing, those wonderful little kids won't be serving (or servicing) any hashers in the Cave Bar anytime soon.
And as always, we'll be on a mission to see who is the fairest hasher of them all as they sachet around the circle, so get your dress, thongs, heels, fishnet stockings, bras, and wigs ready!
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
September & October 2016
GZH3 Run #1397 The Glorious Revolution
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash...
Following decades of internal turmoil, the English of the late 1600’s found themselves in political, commercial, and societal disarray. The House of Tudor’s lack of genetic diversity had finally manifested itself with a bastard queen on the throne who was too much of a ginger to attract a suitable suitor*. Following the virgin queen’s death, the country spent 100 years in chaos that featured an Irish genocide that would make Stalin blush. Faced with a depleted military and an economy in ruins, the English nobility turned to the only ones that could save their miserable little island...
The Dutch!
...William and Mary were installed as rulers of the English throne, and their Dutch expertise in managing miserable pieces of land reaped benefits. Within a century, the British navy rose to its legendary status, the Sun never set on the Empire, and the standard of living rose so much that they could finally change the name of their beloved "Fish and Chip."
Fast forward a few centuries to the Guangzhou Hash and we have another Dutch lesson for the limey bastards. Hunkaspunk shows Just Leigh the ropes on a trail that Hunkaspunk described as being very similar to Queen Elizabeth's crotch. I won't elaborate (as I try to keep these PG), but suffice it to say that you'll want want a change of shoes and a towel for afterward.
On On Saturday for a trail that we hope is as untouched as the vagina that launched a revolution and changed history!
* And compared to her sister, she's the hot one.
What: GZH3 Run #1397: The Glorious Revolution Hash
When: Saturday September 10th - 1:00PM Sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Hunkaspunk and VIRGIN HARE Just Leigh
How Much? 50rmb for GZ hashers and visitors. 120rmb for newcummers includes GZH3 welcum package!
What to Bring? Trail shoes, swimmies, change of clothes/footwear, 50-70rmb for dinner.
Don't forget the GZH3's 1400th Hash and RED DRESS RUN in two weeks! Get your dress ready and bring your hongbao for the orphans on September 24!
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Full Moon Run #124 GZH3 Run #1398
To all you useless bastards,
Autumn, that great time of year when leafs start falling, the summers heat goes down and people start preparing for the long, harsh, winter ahead.
Cum and join what only can be described as the most mid-autumn hash of all:
When: Thursday 15th September, 7.30pm.
Where: Wanshengwei Exit D, Line 8 & 4
Hares: Sleeping Beauty and Just Yana
And … Bring mooncakes and a torch !!!
On On!
Hunkaspunk
***********************************************
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
As you know, the recent meeting of the G20 minds in Hangzhou produced some glory for China and its Dear Leader. Not only were the Xiites* able to show off the beautiful blue skies of modern China and the orderly efficiency with which society goes about its daily life, they were also able to expose PrezO for the second-class fool of a statesman that he is. With a little help from a baijiu-soaked tarmac manager and a 4th-generation CPC photographer, the most harmonious leader of the free world was able to humiliate Barack Hussein** Obama by forcing him to scramble down a ladder from the back of his plane and into the far corner of an official photo. President Xi remained the gleeful center of adoration from the world's leaders while the decadent Americans wept tears of shame and humiliation that their leader can't match up with the likes of Xi, Putin, and Duterte.
Ever the eloquent statesman, Papasan issued a statement late last night at the GZH3 Press Conference from The Mango Bar: "While my patriotism and allegiances have never wavered from the People's Republic of China, I recognize and acknowledge the paramount importance of Sino-American relations and the recent deterioration in their consanguinity. Accordingly, I pledge my energy and efficacy in incubating this vital relationship by setting the best hash ever with my Meiguo friend, Turtlehead." (Turtlehead only got a few words out before his microphone was unplugged and his CPC translator took over).
On On Saturday as the Guangzhou Hash fosters Sino-American relations like nobody else can!
*So enamored with President Xi is the West, Elvis Costello even wrote a song about him: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O040xuq2FR0
**From Xinjiang?
What: GZH3 Run #1397: The Sino-American Friendship Hash
When: Saturday September 17th - 1:00PM Sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Papasan & Turtlehead
How Much? 50rmb for GZ hashers and visitors. 120rmb for newcummers includes GZH3 welcum package.
What to Bring? Trail shoes, change of clothes/footwear, 50-70rmb for dinner.
Don't forget the GZH3's 1400th Hash and RED DRESS RUN in two weeks! Get your dress ready and bring your hongbao for the orphans on September 24!
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
GZH3 Red Dress Run #1400
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
A few years ago, "In The Red" published an article on the Red Dress Hash tradition. Unlike the magazine, the article is a timeless piece of art that does not only tell you everything there is to know about the event, but also offers you a close look into the very soul of the Hash.
I use it as this week's hashvertisement and hope that you can learn as much from it as I could when I first made it up. Like in previous years the Guangzhou Hash will support the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong which makes sure that fewer poor kids end up on the streets of Guangzhou and Dongguan.
On a hot and humid day in May, a local TV station aired an interview with the elderly Mrs. Wong, who had just returned from the Long Yan Dong reservoir, where she fetches fresh spring water.
‘I had finished my break, and was carrying my bamboo pole with the water containers hanging from it,’ the visibly annoyed woman reported to the instigative journalist on the scene, ‘when I heard a noise coming from the undergrowth. A few moments later, two large and hairy gweilos broke through the bushes, sweating like pigs, and gooey flour smeared all over their bodies and faces. Even more terrifying though was the fact that they were wearing red evening dresses, which didn’t even fit them. They looked at me with a mad grin and…to my great relief…spared me…and then set off. I felt it was safer to let them get a bit away from me and so I sat down again. But…oh no…I hadn’t even shut my mouth yet, when all hells broke loose. Forty or so of the red cross-dressers appeared, shouting something unintelligible… obscenities I presume…that sounded like ‘On On’, or’ Ice the Hares!’ Later though, I was told that these creatures were not dangerous, but merely wanted to play. Go figure…!!!’
What happened to the indignant Mrs. Wong happens to many unaware residents every time the Guangzhou Hash House Harriers celebrate their Annual Red Dress Run. The flamboyant red dresses and costumes that the hashers wear to show off are certainly worth staring at. Even though the Ladies of the Hash have worked very hard on their outfits – this is the one day of the year when the men dominate the Hash fashion, and the air in the circle is filled with their giggling and excited high-pitched chattering. One of the hares, still wearing his gooey red pajamas, is now carrying a cute orange parasol. Another hasher, a 100kg man, is wearing a ballerina skirt, his bushy leg hair sticking out through bright red stockings. Two guys, who got the same red blouse that had been on sale at their favorite factory outlet on Zhanxi Lu, start a cat fight, while a stocky hasher begins to feel claustrophobic in a sexy red top an unknown girl left in his apartment a few years ago. It’s the same top he had already worn in previous years, and year after year the sexy top seems to have shrunk. Now it’s about four sizes too small for this rather large fellow. Others make suggestive remarks about the proud wearer of a slutty shine-through negligee, and whistle after a young local hasher who is dressed in a traditional, figure-hugging red qipao. Like everyone else here, he, too, is hopeful to be voted for Best Red Dressed Hasher.
No one knows where the ancient Hash tradition of running in red dresses originates, except of course Wikipedia. Nevertheless, for real hashers this event isn’t only about showing off, or startling the locals, or ridiculing ourselves…it is foremost a charity event. As such the Red Dress Run is celebrated by many Hash Kennels around the world. Like in previous years, the Hash is going to support the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong, an organization run by dedicated volunteers who provide the unfortunate children with food, clothes, study material and much more.
Back in the circle, towards the end, the stocky hasher with a sexy top from the now forgotten girl wins the contest for Best Red Dressed Hasher - as he has in previous years. The crowd cheered - or shrieked - louder for him than for any other contestant. The losers respectfully bow their heads to the victor, and pray that the darn top won’t fit him anymore next year.
But until that next Red Dress Hash, our boys will be boys again, and most of our girls won’t be mistaken for cheap whores when they hit the bars in town, after just another Best Hash Ever.
If you want to join the fun, please obey ancient hash customs and wear a red dress. As usual the run fee is 50 RMB, but bring a bit more if you want to help children in need.
What: GZH3 Run #1400: Red Dress Run & PRD Hash 2
When: Saturday September 24th - 1:00PM Sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Cum Cannon & Scratch-n-Sniff. Beer wenches Itchy Britches & Alll Aboard!
GZH3 Run #1399* The Accounting Error Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash...
As you know, the Guangzhou Hash celebrated Run #1400 last week with a shitty trail, boring circle, and a small amount of money raised for the Orphan Society of Guangdong. Blame for this mishap can surely be placed on the shoulders of our Hash Cash, who is still away in Malaysia absconding with GZH3 funds. Instead of giving her daily reports to the GM, she has turned this into a twice-monthly text message. Because of her failures, we accidentally celebrated Run #1400 a week premature* and need to try again. So...
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Cum Cannon gets another shot at haring. Hopefully he doesn't fuck up the trail again.
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Hunkaspunk gets another shot at showering. Hopefully he doesn't funk up the trail again.
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The Silver Bullet gets another seat on the ice. This time for haring, but maybe we could consider another naming?
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YOU get another chance at donating to the Orphan Society of Guangdong. If red dresses and partial nudity aren't your things or you couldn't cum last week, bring a hangbao for the kids!
Cum early, cum often, and dress like Mao on Saturday for the best National Day Hash in at least 7 years!
*Luckily, Triple-XXX Ray has pills that help with being premature.
What: GZH3 Run #1399*: The Accounting Error Hash
When: Saturday, October 1st - 1:00PM Sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Cum Cannon & The Silver Bullet
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
PS. Set aside Saturday, December 10th on your calendars for the annual GZH3 Christmas Party & Hash Awards. More info to cum.
As we take this week to celebrate the glorious anniversary of the PRC, the Guangzhou Hash offers a special Wednesday Hash for those of you who didn't have the good fortune of experiencing the efficiency and harmony of said Party's airports and train stations this week. Instead of being herded like livestock along with 10,000 of your best migrant friends, the GZH3 gives you the same quality and excellence you've come to know and expect from our Saturday runs*.
Little bit different format on Wednesday...no bus or buckets in an effort to keep things as single as possible. We'll do it Full Moon-style, meaning you run with what you bring** and we eat/circle at a restaurant. See below for instructions to the A point, and we'll obviously be sharing locations on the Hash WeChat groups.
On On this Wednesday for what will certainly be - despite stiff competition - the greatest Wednesday Hash in the 67-year history of the Mainland***!
*Last week's Run #1399 notwithstanding.
**Unless we find a volunteer to take bags from A to B via taxi.
***Except for that one time with that one thing where 30 million virgins didn't make it to the B point...
What: GZH3 Mid-Week Holiday Hashvertisement #1: The Most Harmonious Hash
When: WEDNESDAY, October 5th - 2:00PM Meet, 2:30 ON ON
Where: See below.
Hares: Fill-Her-Up & TBD
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
GZH3 Run #1401 Paying the Piper
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash...
China wraps up its 67th anniversary of harmony, which means that many of you will be making up for lost time by working on Saturday. As you know, there is no such thing as a true holiday in China, only a mere illusion of one and then a swift kick in the ass to "Be Happy in Your Work."
Well, fear not dear hashers, for while your dreary Saturday-working souls will be in the office or teaching a 17 year old how to use finger nail clippers, the Guangzhou Hash has committed to having plenty of fun for you. While you wait hours for the most simple of tasks to be completed, the GZH3 will be frolicking through slope and stream in search of beer and chicken.
-AND-
For those who are able to cum, we'll be finishing at one of our favorite restaurants for what will likely be the final GZH3 pool party of the year. So, for those going to work on Saturday, bring some aspirin. For those going to the Hash, bring your bikinis and banana hammocks!
On On tomorrow for what will surely be the greatest Saturday/Monday/working day Hash of all time!
What: GZH3 Run #1401: Paying the Piper
When: Saturday, October 8th- 1:00PM Sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Hunkaspunk, Just Leigh, & Just Fufu (did I just write that?)
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
GZH3 Run #1402 The AssGM Ascension Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash...
Since the exodus of the beloved* Hello Sailor back in July, the Guangzhou Hash has operated with a noticeable hole in its soul, as the position of The Ass has been vacant. While this is quite ironic considering Hello Sailor's ass hasn't been empty since he joined the navy, the fact remains that it is past time for the GZH3 to choose the next hasher to continue the recent AssGM legacy of asshattery...
Circle Jerk brought excellence and commitment to the position, but decided to join the largest hash in history along with millions of other Syrians headed north. Civil war and political exile wasn't his reasoning, but an insatiable thirst for blonde women drove him to Sweden, which brings us to our next AssGM...
Himalaya came immediately after Circle Jerk, which is a once-in-a-lifetime accomplishment for him. She began the new tradition of large-breasted AssGMs, and her significant cuntributions to the Guangzhou Hash as AssGM can only be matched by her patience with long circles.
Hello Sailor brought his own style and experience to the Ass position, and he ate up and savored every succulent moment of it. However, like his predecessors before him, he also selfishly put family and career before the Hash. A true Ass, indeed...
Someone to carry on the AssGM traditions of failure, expectations, and prematurely ejaculating themselves from China will be anointed with the holy fluids! Cum Saturday to find out who!
*Sounds like, sounds like...
What: GZH3 Run #1402: The AssGM Ascension Hash
When: Saturday, October 15th- 1:00PM Sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Hunkaspunk & Womb Raider
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
GZH3 Run #1403 The Swing State Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash...
As you know...
...two beacons of diplomacy and likability are competing to become the next President of the United States. And not only do Americans surpass the rest of the world in our choices of elected officials, but we also have the "coolest and most badass (James Madison's words, not mine)" method of choosing our Executive via the Electoral College (U.S. Const. Article I. Sec. II).
The Electoral College* protects Americans from having to hear about trivial national issues like international affairs or fiscal policy and allows us to focus on important matters like candidates attending ice cream socials and talking about each other's marriage infidelities. This bedrock of democracy in the United States allows candidates to win individual states like a real game of Risk by pandering to voters who think that Kamchatka is a real country named after a $7 bottle of vodka.
Luckily for the Guangzhou Hash, tomorrow you will have a chance to persuade two voting citizens of "swing states" of who they should vote for in the upcumming election. Bald Dick, a proud Pennsylvanian, and Three Inches of Pain, hailing from The Greatest State, are two Midwestern boys who will have a tremendous say in who will become the next leader of the free world**. Best be careful and say nice things about the trail, or these hares might take it upon themselves to seek retribution upon you by voting for the wrong candidate***.
Cum tomorrow for what could be the most important Guangzhou Hash in history!
*To our Chinese friends: NO, the Electoral College is not accepting bribes for Fall 2017 semester acceptance.
**And who will become the next Township Clerk of Greenwood Township in Oceana County, Michigan. As for this GM, I'm all in for Mary Sue DeKuiper. Her 87 years of experience will be useful and ironic when managing the township cemetery.
***Wrong candidate = any candidate.
What: GZH3 Run #1403: The Swing State Hash
When: Saturday, October 22nd- 1:00PM Sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Bald Dick & Three Inches of Pain
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
PS. Don't forget Papasan's Helloween Hash on Monday, October 31!
PPS. Continue to save the date for the Xmas Party & Annual Awards - December 10!
GZH3 Run #1403 The Three Billion Man March
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash...
Representatives from the world's two most populous countries join forces this weekend to set the 1404th Guangzhou Hash. With Indian and Chinese hares setting the trail, it is certain that you will find clean, deserted trails with no signs of pollution, littering, or habitation.
The hares are so confident in the natural beauty and cleanliness of their trail, that they've encouraged the hashers of the GZH3 to join them for a swim at the end of the run. pH tests are still pending at the official GZH3 laboratory in the back of Mango Bar, but judging by pictures sent by the hares, it is safe to say that the swim stop will be cleaner than the Ganges or the Zhujiang*.
Cum tomorrow for the greatest India/China collaboration since Mao and Nehru joined Communist powers to raise the Himalayas and bring prosperity and harmony to their lands*!
*Anything better than pH2.9.
**I just checked the Chinese history book in my office for accuracy. #truth
What: GZH3 Run #1404: The Three Billion Man March
When: Saturday, October 29nd- 1:00PM Sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Pound-a-Cherry & Just Willlllllllson
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain