Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
#1166 - The Hollywood Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
When: July 7, 2012 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Constipation and Hunkaspunk
The holiday season has started. To the Guangzhou Hash this does not only mean good news. Some of our most notorious hares are teachers who naturally get the fuck out of Guangzhou as soon as the class room bell has rung for the last time. Other hares have kids in school who now hang out at home 24-7, expecting to get entertained. How could the situation be more dreadful?
I suppose you can imagine the atmosphere during last night’s hash press conference at Willie Warmer’s cozy refuge. When someone from the mismanagement announced that the hash will be cancelled for the summer it nearly caused a mutiny. But when a smart-mouthed hasher mentioned that ‘you can’t manufacture a hare’, the rebellion instantly turned into devastation, and the following silence was truly pitiful. After a few quiet rounds of beer, the young and charming Ms. Mi Tuhai finally rose to speak, and what she had to say eventually saved the day.
‘Hashing does not only shape your body well, it also clears your mind and stabilizes your mental health. Do you have any idea what we hard working people at the Guangzhou Health Department will have to deal with if you take this away from all the addicted hashers for a whole two months? Will you be able to live with the knowledge that you have driven Hundreds into despair, madness and probable suicide? Is really no one here man or woman enough to be the hare on Saturday?’
We were still trying to figure out whether we would have a problem to live with such kind of knowledge, when Guangzhou’s last boy-scout chimed in.
‘Yes,’ Constipation said wholeheartedly, ‘I am man enough to do it’, and pointing at his compatriot, he continued, ‘and Hunkaspunk as my flour bitch will certainly be woman enough to do this with me!’
When Hunkaspunk nodded before anyone had even translated this for him, the deal was done, everybody relieved and the Guangzhou Hash saved for another week. The pack lifted the two hares on their shoulders, praised their genius, and wished them to live for 10,000 years1. Touched by this overwhelming display of affection Hunkaspunk promised that Saturday’s run will be even better than last week’s run. And although he didn’t mention whether he was referring to the first half of last week’s hash (the one without flour), or the second (the one that was then instantly set in virgin territory), the crowd went ballistic to such an extent that it took five strong hashers to stop Ms. Mi Tuhai from calling her colleagues at the emergency unit.
‘Wow’, are you probably saying right now, ‘what a happy end, just like in Hollywood.’2
Yes, for the time being you are right. But that should not lure us into the illusion that all is well. The future remains uncertain. The Hollywood movie ends with the first kiss, but maybe that is just the prelude to a life full of fights and endless arguments3.
Face it. Constipation and Hunkaspunk have saved the Hash for just one week! Who will step up next? Will it be you?
If you want to be praised as a savior, go out and scout a great trail.
On On,
00
1 disclaimer: only under the condition that they are going to set many more great trails
2 or at the barber shop two blocks down the road
3 or the prelude to a life with an incurable venereal disease
#1167 – The Bastille Storming Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Saturday is the circa 200th anniversary of the French Revolution. The Internet knows exactly what happened back then. Here is a fair summary of the events:
‘Cake, always only cake, I can’t see it anymore! I want to eat bread!’ Robespierre was really upset about Marie Antoinette’s latest directive which ordered French citizens to eat cake instead of bread. His best buddy Danton couldn’t agree more. Unlike Robespierre, who disliked cake with kind of a religious zeal, Danton couldn’t get enough of it. But he had become fat and lazy from eating all that sweet junk, and both, his wife and his mistress, wouldn’t stop nagging about it. Robespierre and Danton were truly desperate, and something drastic had to be done.
‘Let’s storm the Bastille’, Danton suggested, not because it made any sense at all, but because the infamous prison was really nearby. Robespierre agreed, and they talked a few neighbors into joining them. The rest is history. They set the criminals free, beheaded the king and the queen, then the neighbors, and finally each other. The latter wasn’t an overly smart thing to do though, and ever since historians from all over the world (except for France) have more than once persuasively concluded that, if Americans and/or Germans had organized the French revolution, it would not have ended in such a mess, and France might even be a pleasant place to visit nowadays.
The mismanagement of the Guangzhou Hash has analyzed the fatal errors that were made back then and is even a little bit determined not to repeat them. In their shoreless wisdom they have therefore not ordered an All-French team to hare this Saturday, but rather an American-German one. ‘At least, this way the hashers won’t run around like headless chickens trying to find flour’, commented one realistic French observer when she heard the news.
However, it seems that every Hash has to have one or two misfits, and ours’ started to rumble when the above was publicly announced during yesterday’s Hash press conference. ‘Can you only come up with boring historical themes?’ was what these completely unhistorical subjects demanded to know.
No, we do not necessarily have to rewrite or reenact history Saturday after Saturday again. We can also come up with some more current bullshit. With our new crystal hash ball we are even able to look into the future; and the mismanagement would like to share with you one dirty secret that has been revealed recently. The Guangzhou Hash is facing a partial vegetarian future! After Saturday, we won’t get Meatballs anymore. Damn.
So be all there when it is finally time to sing ‘fuck off you o...p*, fuck off’ to him.
When: Bastille Day, Saturday, July 14th, 2012, @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
What: No Cake
What else: Meatballs giving his final religious advice
Who: Mark and 00
On On,
00
*you can of course also sing the good old ‘s..d’ instead
The Independent Full Moon Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash,
July 4 is the 236th anniversary of the American Proclamation of Independence. To me and many people that I had a chance to speak to during recent months, it feels much longer though, more like precisely 250 years. Such a round number is also more beautiful and inspiring. For example did the mismanagement team of the Full Moon Hash come up with the grand idea of calling for the 250th Full Moon Independence Day Hash.
This event will get as American as an event in China can get.
· * The Date: July 4, American Independence Day
· * The Trail: designed to suit American requirements, i.e. rules are simple, and very easy to comprehend
· * The Hare: a real American passport holder
· * The other hare: sort of working for sort of a real American company
· * Food: a fine selection of traditional American delicacies. No, it’s not Pizza Hut!
· * Food selection: by a real American passport holder
· * Fireworks: The predominantly Dutch mismanagement team suggests that the German football fans bring all their fireworks, the one that they won’t need tonight anymore. This really is great neighborly advice.
When: Wednesday, July 4, 2012 @ 7.30 PM
Where: Line 5, Tancun Station, Exit D
Who: Willie Warmer & 00
What: 250th American Independence Hash
On On,
00
#1169 - The Dumb Bald and Dumber Blonde Hash
What happens when a dumb bold man takes an even dumber blond babe for a walk in the forest and decides to name it a Hash Run?
NOTHING GOOD, that’s what happens!
Most likely…
They will forget the trail they scouted and end up in pushes.
If they manage to find the trail they will forget to mark it.
If they remember to mark they will discover they have forgotten to buy flour.
If they have flour they cannot figure out how to use it.
If they figure out how to use it they will cover the first part of the trail in flour and finish all by the mid of it.
If they somehow manage to set the trail they will forget where the point B is so we all have to go back.
It will be a CATASTROPHE and we all WILL GET LOST but it will be FUN because we will have…
the sexiest hare ever (the bold one of course)
the ‘easiest’ hare ever (the blond one of course)
loads of alcohol
loads of surprises on the trail and after
music
amazing dinner spot
dumbest circle
Be there or miss the chance to laugh over our dumbness!
#1168 - The Olympic Spirit Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Saturday 27 July is the start of the 2012 London Olympics but there is no need to travel to London to experience the thrill of victory as you compete against other hashers to be the first to make it back to the bus.
Do you have the spirit of an Olympian to be a front running bastard (FRB) and make it back to the bus to receive a medal or will you experience the agony of defeat as you follow false trail after false trail and get stuck behind the walkers or with our new most notorious BRB (that is the opposite of a FRB) Khash?
According to historical records, the first ancient Olympic Games can be traced back to 776 BC. They were dedicated to the Olympian gods and were staged on the ancient plains of Olympia. This Guangzhou Hash will be dedicated to the Beer Gods, Hunkaspunk and Constipation, and will be staged on the golden plains of Panyu.
Yes, Meatballs has finally fucked off but he still has one last mission to carry out for the GZ Hash and that is to travel to London to convince the International Olympic Committee to finally make Hashing an Olympic discipline.
Hashing leaves a lasting legacy.
Hashing has changed people's life.
Hashing is a multidimensional sport.
And most importantly, it is Hashing that epitomizes the TRUE Olympic spirit. As Pierre de Coubertin, the father of the modern Olympic Games, put it so correctly: ‘The most important thing is not to win, but to take part.’
9 days until the start of the London Olympics
2 days until the start of the best hash of your life
July & August 2012
#1170 – The Social Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Picture this: You have invited someone over to your house where you wine and dine him. At the end of the evening your guest goes to your kitchen, takes a few beers out of the fridge and puts them into his bag, without asking or telling you.
What would you do? I suppose the least you’d do is not to invite him again, right?
The Guangzhou Hash will not ask such kind of guys not to come anymore. At the end of the day, it’s not such a huge deal. But of course, honest hashers cannot simply ignore such behavior, because these people suck the horse’s penis and they ought to get publicly pissed on. Unfortunately, since we don’t have a male horse, and our mostly decent hashers prefer to do their business in the confinement of a bathroom, these are not viable options.
I don’t know who the guys were who took beers back home after last Saturday’s Hash, and I also don’t want to know. I give them the benefit of a doubt this time. But, guys, if you were one of them, get prepared to sit on the ice should you ever get caught again, while the other hashers will get encouraged to pour beer over your head. You won’t get named at the end of the circle, when you are finally allowed to rise from the ice. Instead, we will tell everyone why you sat on the ice.
Don’t be anti-social! Remember: Your 50 RMB is not worth more than the other hashers’ 50 RMB. If you don’t believe me, check your second grade math book.
On On,
00
Lucky Date Full Moon Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash,
八八好意頭 帶你廣州游
We know you have waited long, and you have waited hard for this 好日子! Your waiting is coming to an end!
Papasan: 88好數字！好日子！
Angelina: Why?
Papasan: 8月8號系全民健身日；另外又叫爸爸節！
最緊要廣州人鍾意講好意頭！
好似“乾杯”要叫“飲勝”；“豬肝”要叫“豬潤”...
Angelina: Oh! Sounds like, sounds like...
Do you know what the meaning of this dialect is?
唔知唔緊要! Papasan話星期3晚同你講故仔！
Full Moon Hash in Guangzhou with two local hares on a very lucky day!
When: Wednesday, 8th Aug, 7:30pm
Where: Metro Line 8, Xiaogang Station, Exit C (曉港站)
Who: Papasan & Angelina blow me
#1171 - The Smart Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
I admit, I had expected some strong reactions to last week’s hashvertisement, but I was surprised by the extent of blame I had to take during last night’s highly emotional Hash press conference at an amazingly fancy restaurant with an unpronounceable Chinese name.
‘A slap in the face of good hashers’ was probably the kindest accusation against me, while most other accusations were such obscene that I am not willing to repeat them. Even the usually very charming Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department warned me in a sharp voice that ‘such kind of “trashvertisements” will cause severe seizures of inferiority complexes in innocent hashers’.
At one point even the otherwise moderate Thumbleprints chimed in.
‘It is an abomination’ she said ‘how the GM treats people who’d give their heart blood for the Guangzhou Hash. I herewith demand that the names of the hares ought to be mentioned in EACH and EVERY hashvertisement!’
Thumbleprints is of course right. My last “trashvertisement” was lousy! Not because of what I wrote, but because of what I didn’t, and I herewith wholeheartedly apologize to the hares of last week’s run, Fingerlicker and Bastian, and to Thumbleprints (trail consultant). I hope the three do accept my apology, and not pour out any more of that filth over me. In order to soothe them further, I’d like to repeat Thumbleprints’ moving speech. (Not in full though, but only the part that followed the fulmination against me.)
‘Although no one knew who the hares were, she said in a loud and trembling voice that literally sent shivers down my spine, ‘62 people showed up at the Mango Bar. It was a long and very tough run, but no hasher got lost. 61 out of the 62 enjoyed every single meter of the trail, and also Hunkaspunk changed his mind about the run after a dozen beers, when he finally got back to funny. The exhausting run had made everyone so hungry that no one skipped the dinner. According to hash statistics, this has NEVER happened before in the history of the Guangzhou Hash. The bus got back at 10 PM, and in true hash spirit most people stayed on at the Mango for a few more beers. One would have expected people to go back home after that, but in fact the hashers split up into two groups, one heading for the Cave Bar and the other for a local KTV parlor. I want to compliment the hares (Fingerlicker and Bastian, the ed.) for organizing such a great day out that indeed ended very happily.’
Bastian, anyway still being pleased by a recent personal memory of a HAPPY ENDING, thanked Thumbleprints, and said with tears of joy in his eyes:
‘After I had read the hashvertisement I had sworn that I would never hare again, but your encouraging words have made me change my mind. In fact, Christoph and I have already scouted a trail for cuming Saturday which will not only be as stunning as last Saturday’s trail, but also much longer. The walker’s trail, for instance will take three and a half hours!’
It’s always amazing to see how the mood of a bunch of drunken GZ Hashers can go from hilarious to abusive in the blink of an eye. All GM’s and ex-GM’s of the Guangzhou Hash are familiar with this phenomenon, and fear it for good reason, but for poor Bastian this was the first time to experience it. It took more than ten extremely embarrassing minutes* until he was able to make himself heard again, when he wisely promised that he would ‘skip the very good half of the trail, and only use the extremely good other half of it. And as a special treat, we will arrange for a cool water hole at the B-point, so don’t forget to bring your swim gear.’
That was very smart of him to promise, and I see absolutely no reason why the run shouldn’t be remembered as the “Smartest Hash Ever”.
When: Saturday, August 11, 2012 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
IMPORTANT: bring your SWIM GEAR
Not to be forgotten: The hares Bastian and Christoph
On On,
00
*embarrassing mainly for him, although ALL of the abusive hashers have been reported getting embarrassed after they had sobered up, except for the male hashers and nearly all of the female hashers.
#1172 – The F$%king Hash
Who: Furry Thing and Swinging Tits
What: The F$%king Hash
When: August 18, 2012
Where: Huolushan Forest Park
Why: The F$%king Hash
This week's Hash is obviously going to be LONG and HARD because under the tutelage of my heroic American father-figures on the Hash, Floppy Disc and GPS, I've decided to hare my own trail. These icons of haring (and balding) have inspired many, and I plan to follow in their brave footsteps, so, like them, I have pre-set a trail that will be one you will not easily forget – hopefully neither will I between setting the trail and the actual Hash. It will be the best hash of the week! In a deviation from popular haring technique, I have avoided all farms and burial mounds. Additionally, I advise you to be prepared for some sun as a good portion of the trail will be exposed to the elements, allowing for wonderful views and sun blackness (晒黑).
I finally got my girlfriend to cum, and as my flour bitch and translator she has chosen excellent spots for refreshment and dining. I hope you can cum, too!
On-on,
Furry Thing
#1173 – The Deprived Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
The hare line is completely empty!
You can imagine the heated atmosphere at the Gold Mango last night. Once again, it was the mismanagement that had to take all the blame for breaking the bad news. Only good that Tony’s experienced team was sensible enough to keep the pitchers of ice cold Tiger beer rolling in, otherwise the place might not be our hash bar anymore.
Hashers, as much as I can understand your anger and frustration, but what is the mismanagement supposed to do about it? Nowadays, we are getting about 60 people every given Saturday, and it should be fair to assume that there are a few more hidden talents who are capable of setting a good trail. It’s everyone’s responsibility to make the Hash happen. And of course this doesn’t stop with the haring. We also need people (aka 'the unsung heroes') to help clean the buckets, vessels and cans before and after the run and so on. So don’t be shy and give a hand when you see that a hand is needed.
But back to last night. Extreme situations require extreme measures and when Tony gave us a warning that we were running low on beer and the temperature in the bar would reach boiling point soon, the mismanagement made a final dramatic attempt to save the interior of his bar.
‘If we must we are going to fly in hares,' promised our fearless harerazor Constipation, and with this he could buy himself and Tony a tiny bit of much needed time.
He certainly made good use of it. Right there at the Mango Bar, he was forced to call two truly experienced hashers. To cut a long story short: He managed to charm these two into being our hares on Saturday. As you are reading this mail, they are on the way from Amsterdam-Shithole Airport to Guangzhou on the fastest plane they could get hold of, to set what they claim to be 'the Best Hash Ever'. I can assure you, these two are on fire and ready to go above and beyond their limits, because they have been deprived from the Hash for months, or maybe even for weeks! So don’t miss the fun.
What: The Deprived Hash
When: Saturday, August 25, 2012 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Globetwatter and Sir Cum
The Kiwis are back and they will be our celebrated heroes on Saturday. If you want to know how it feels to be a celebrity, sign up as a hare. We need hares starting with the run on September 1st, and then on every Saturday thereafter. Contact Constipation or me.
On On,
00