Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
November & December 2015
Hashvertisement #1348 - The 40,000 Year-Old Virgin Hash
The Guangzhou Hash is always sniffing around to find the most celibate, well-preserved trails in Greater Canton, and this week’s hares have exceeded even their own hardened expectations to bring you an untapped beauty that’s been waiting centuries for us to cum around.
Our hares are quite experienced, themselves, having established themselves as resident Masters of Deflouration in the Guangzhou Hash and around southeast Asia. However, even these hares had to gasp when they got a look at the gnarly underbrush as they went down into this undefiled trail. It seems that, despite having been laid a long and hard time ago, this trail has remained chaste and undisturbed by the Guangzhou Hash. And...AS YOU KNOW...any trail remains a virgin until the Guangzhou Hash has had its way with her.
So, despite its age and lack of grooming, this maiden trail is ready for you, Hashers of Guangzhou, to explore her dark depths and cum inside for the first time.
Cum one, cum all, and see what cums oozing out of this barren trail when the Guangzhou Hash slides in for the first time.
What: Guangzhou Hash Run #1348
Hares: Constipation & Hunkaspunk.
Where: Gold Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
When: Saturday, November 7, 2015 - 1:00 PM
On on,
Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1349 - The Secret Agent Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
It comes as no coincidence that the newest James Bond movie, SPECTRE, will be released on the same weekend that another secret agent will be infiltrating mainland China and joining ranks with the Guangzhou Hash.
While the real James Bond is busy driving the new Aston Martin DB10, sipping a shaken martini, "improving relations" with a busty rival agent, and saving the Western world from annihilation (all at the same time), we have our own spy visiting to save the Guangzhou Hash.
With Double-00 and Cum Cannon out of town on Saturday, the Mismanagement decided that a trusted ally....an old stalwart, if you will...was needed to prevent the hares from leading the hash onto a trail with no end and certain death. ("Do you expect me to walk? Nooo, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!") Thankfully, the Mismanagement got their man and the Guangzhou Hash now has all the great makings of its own Bond film:
Super Smooth Secret Agent: ????????????
Evil Villain Set on Death & Destruction: Triple X-Ray (See: Blofeld)
Henchman With a Badass Way to Kill: Three Inches of Pain (See: Oddjob)
M: Shoeless Ho (See: Judi Dench)
Moneypenny: Thumbleprints ("You never dress like that for me, James...")
Q: Turtlehead ("Whatever you do, don't touch that button.")
Shapely Rival Agent Who Helps Save the Day: Himalaya ("My name is Pussy Galore." "I must be dreaming...")
Shapely Innocent Girl Who Screws Bond Early in the Film and Then Dies: Bollyboobs ("Hi, my name's Plenty, Plenty O'Toole." "Named after your father perhaps?")
Goofy Sidekick Who Adds Comic Relief: Tap Dat Ass (See: J.W. Pepper)
Villain's Hungry Animal That Bond is Fed To: Hunkaspunk (the shark in "The Spy Who Loved Me")
Gratuitous Midget Henchman: Little Semen (Nick Nack)
Gratuitous Nudity: All the harriettes (well...most of them).
SPECTRE may be the film making hundreds of millions this weekend at the box office, but get yourself to the Guangzhou Hash for the best thing you can see with your 50 kuai on Saturday and uncover our mysterious secret agent. On On!
What: Guangzhou Hash Run #1349
Hares: Triple X-Ray & Three Inches of Pain
Where: Gold Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
When: Saturday, November 14, 2015 - 1:00 PM
On on!
Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement Friday the 13th Hash - November edition
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
For the second time in three weeks, you have the opportunity to cum to Hash not once, but TWICE in the same week! Cumming!
The GM of the Guangzhou Friday the 13th Hash is none other than our beloved Papasan, and he has teamed with Fill-Her-Up! to bring you another romp through some of Guangzhou's most seedy and scenic areas.
Get your fill of terrible, awful, bad luck this cumming Friday on the GZF13THH3 (for "short")!
What: Friday the 13th Hash Run
When: Friday, November 13 - 7:30PM
Where: Yide Lu. Metro Exit B (Line 6)
Hares: Papasan and Fill-Her-Up!
On On Friday for the best Friday the 13th Hash ever!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1350: The Halfway Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
The Guangzhou Hash is celebrating some important "halves" this weekend...
Half off the haring team is VIRGIN...
Half of the trail is VIRGIN...
Half of the tickets for the Christmas Party & Annual Awards are sold. Pay Thumbleprints the money now or lose your spot! la....
We will hopefully be at a halfway decent restaurant this week. Ice last week's hares!
Tap Dat Ass will put half of the buckets on the bus by himself again. Thank you, TDA...
Half of a harriette's body will be serenaded with 'Alouette' on the bus ride back to Mango Bar.
Half of the Americans on the Hash will be seeking refuge at a Syrian's place late Saturday.
Hello Sailor will regale us with tales of losing his virginity to Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer." ("Andy is it in yet?" "Whoooooa I'm halfway there....")
One lucky hasher will have a nice loooong sit on the ice and have his manhood reduced to half its usual size.
...and...
The Guangzhou Hash is HALFWAY between 1300 and 1400 runs. No special 100 hash this year, but if you stay for the circle you will will receive (free of charge) a special piece of haberdash created specially for the occasion. Seriously, reeeal nice, special edition GZH3 merch.
Bring yourself, bring a virgin, and most importantly bring half of a Red Mao 100rmb note so that we can buy more beer.
What: Guangzhou Hash Run #1350
Hares: Cum Cannon & Chaofan
Where: Gold Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
When: Saturday, November 21, 2015 - 1:00 PM
On on!
Three Inches of Pain (which I'm only receiving half credit for)
Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash #114
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
The coming GZH3 Full Moon Hash is once again being presented to you by the GZFM3's newest Dynamic Haring Duo.
Much like Batman & Robin, Pele & Garrincha, Bonnie & Clyde, Thelma & Louise, Montana & Rice, Jordan & Pippen...these two are taking over their respective discipline, which in their case happens to be setting the best Full Moon trail ever!
What: GZFMH3 Run #114
Who: Fill-Her-Up & Papasan
When: Wednesday, November 25 - 7:30PM
Where: Changgang Metro Exit C2 (Line 8)
Why: Beer
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1351 - The Romantic Weekend Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
Hashers - do you have a special lady in your life that is hassling you about spending some quality time together? Has it been too long since you bought her flowers and took her to a nice dinner? Are you looking for a quick getaway to be alone for a few hours with nothing to do but explore virgin areas.
Harriettes - does your man continue to fall short in (among other things) finding creative ways to spend weekends togethers? Is he beginning to develop a bit of a beer belly by lazing around and doing nothing physical (besides that activity he calls 'sex' once every two months)? Are you looking for something to spice up your relationship a little bit (I mean, c'mon, you already tried everything they sell at that sex shop in Xiaobei)?
No worries, dear Hashers, as the Guangzhou Hash can provide you with the perfect activity to liven things up a bit with your loved/cherished/disdained one. Take your girl out for nice walk, buy her a nice white handbag, fill said handbag with the flour you bought her, and go explore some unknown areas together (and maybe set a trail while you're at it) like this weekend's hares. The best part is, the flour will cover up any stains you may have created in the process.
Get yourself to the Hash this weekend to see how relationship development is done - Hash style.
Remember, the couple who hashes together...has great exercise, makes great friends, drinks some delicious cold beer, drinks too much of said delicious cold beer, gets in an argument because he doesn't want to leave the Mango Bar and she wants to go to bed, doesn't speak together in the taxi, he sleeps on the couch, she throws up, but then when they wake up they don't remember any of it so they have great makeup sex..........
...together.
What: Guangzhou Hash Run #1351
Hares: Turtlehead & Dry Hump
Where: Gold Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
When: Saturday, November 28, 2015 - 1:00 PM
On On!
Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1352 - The Space Invader Fuckoff Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
I want to send a personal message regarding the current state and future of our beloved Guangzhou Hash. We are losing a regular hasher who, without his guidance, I am afraid we are going to suffer a tremendous setback to the quality of the GZH3.
It is with a heavy heart, hashers, that I announce and proclaim Run #1352 to be the Space Invader Fuckoff Hash.
Who else will greet EVERY hasher with a serenade of "Whyyy Are We Waiting?" when they arrive at the B-Point?
What other hasher will be able to so eloquently point out a misuse of Hash rules?
When will my fat ass ever be able to fly past a very fit individual going downhill again?
How are future hashers of the GZH3 ever going to learn about the genocidal atrocities committed by Nazi Germany 75 years ago?
And most importantly.....
WHO IS GOING TO PURCHASE SHITTY BAIJIU FOR US AT THE RESTAURANT??????
Yes, Hashers, it is a dark time for the Guangzhou Hash as we are losing one of our regulars...but rest assured, for we have been through darker times and come out stronger for it.
What we need is YOU to take the extra step and contribute to the Hash. If you've never hared, talk to a veteran and go find a trail! If you have hared, find a virgin and deflour the hell outta dat ass on the hallowed slopes of Maofengshan or Faceplant. My fellow hashers, ask not what your Hash can do for you, ask what you can do for your Hash!
What: Guangzhou Hash Run #1352
Hares: Thumbleprints
Where: Gold Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
When: Saturday, December 5, 2015 - 1:00 PM
On On!
Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1353 - The Sexy Neighbor Hash and Annual Awards Ceremony
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
My entire life, I have been in search of a sexy neighbor.
As a child, there was a very sweet, average American couple living next door to our home, but being that she was an average American she was also decidedly un-sexy.
(but, damn, can that woman bake...)
As a teenager, a younger couple moved into the same house and my "attention" was peaked at the ample chest I saw moving boxes in. Unfortunately, I soon realized those tits were full of milk and those boxes were full of Bibles for the small army of Presbyterians that was about to spawn from her loins.
In college and as an adult, I went through a long list of neighbors that could sing every Sublime song, milk their parents' credit cards, or conduct their entire social life online...but again, no sexy neighbor.
But then when I moved to Guangzhou, I was advised by some experienced hashers that there is a sexy little number waiting nearby for the Guangzhou Hash to cum over for a quickie. Yes, we forget about her from time to time when choosing where to stage our next run, but she's waiting just a short bus trip away to show us she still has some tricks up her sleeve - as well a few areas that aren't yet entirely filled with high heels, McDonald's, and trash.
Cum by on Saturday for a quick trip over to our sexy neighborhood squeeze..
What: Guangzhou Hash Run #1353
Hares: Double-00 & Cum Cannon
Where: Gold Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
When: Saturday, December 12, 2015 - 1:00 PM
If you haven't figured it out yet, we're going to have a short drive over to Baiyun Mountain, where we will have a normal-length run, a short circle, and then a short bus ride back to the Mango Bar, hoping to be back and have everything put away by 5:30.
From there, over to the Christmas Party & Annual Awards at 7:30. Remember that the theme is 1920s; think Great Gatsby, Jazz, Prohibition/Gangster, or 1920s Shanghai. Tickets are sold out.
What: Guangzhou Hash Annual Christmas Party & Annual Awards
Hosts: GZH3 Mismanagement
Where: Little India - Wuyangcun Metro Exit B (cross over Guangzhou Dadao and keep walking 100m past the bridge).
When: Saturday, December 12, 2015 - 7:30 PM
On On!
Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1354 - The Penultimate Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
Recently, the GZH3 Mismanagement team has done some extensive astronomical and historical research to find significant evidence suggesting that Run #1354 will be the penultimate GZH3 run for 2015 (For our Chinese and Australian friends, "penultimate" means "second-to-last").
Using complicated formulas and theorems derived from studies of Mayan ruins and data collected from the recent large hadron collider test at CERN, the Mismanagement announced some other penultimate predictions during the weekly Guangzhou Hash press conference at Mango Bar late Wednesday night...
Cum Cannon & Chaofan's trail from last month will be the penultimate trail fuckup of 2015. (not their fault, fyi...)
Double-00 will be Angry Dragon's penultimate lover on the GZ Hash this year.
December 11th will be Hunkaspunk's penultimate shower for 2015.
The Mystery Twat will be Forget-Me-Twat's penultimate post-Hash female encounter.
Little Semen will be the penultimate spawn of Hello Sailor! and Land Ho!
February 25th was the penultimate time our Loneliest Hasher got laid in 2015, with February 26th sadly being the ultimate time.
Yesterday was the penultimate agreement between the US and Russia on how best to carve up Syria and make sure it stays fucked for a while longer.
Last Saturday/Sunday will be the penultimate time the GZH3 closes down 3 different bars in the same night. (anybody up for a Lazy Guys/Mango/Cave trifecta???)
Bring yourself, bring a virgin, and most importantly bring 50rmb to view our research for yourself and join what will surely be the penultimate Best Hash Ever of 2015!
What: Guangzhou Hash Run #1354: The Penultimate Hash
Hares: Gorf & Turtlehead
Where: Gold Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
When: Saturday, December 19, 2015 - 1:00 PM
Cheers and On On!
Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash #115: The Three Days of Hashmas
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Guangzhou, not a Hasher was stirring, as they'd been drunk long ago...
In this season of giving, the Guangzhou Hash has decided that not one...not even two...but THREE days of Hash events are needed to satisfy the holiday demands of our Hashers. And what better to kick off the holiday weekend than a full moon trail set by the GZH3's Definitive Dutch Duo of Debauchery & Drunkenness?!?!
Just like that first Christmas with three wise men from the Orient travelling west and following a star, the Hares will be leading us westward into some shady, dirty areas reminiscent of the filthy hovel in which Jesus Christ, the earthly manifestation of the Lord on High, was born two millenia ago. And, if you play your cards right, you might run into a teenage hooker along the way that could be quite similar in appearance and employment as the virgin mother, herself.
Get yourself to Liede on Christmas Eve for what is the only proper way to celebrate Christmas Eve in Guangzhou, and what will surely be the Best Christmas Eve Full Moon Hash ever!
What: GZFMH3 Run #115
Hares: Constipation & Hunkaspunk
When: Thursday, December 24 - 7:30PM
Where: Liede Metro Exit C (Line 5)
Why: Beer
After you've slept off your Full Moon hangover and opened up your boxes of coal, you might consider doing something worthwhile for once, and start working your way off the "naughty list" for Christmas 2016. I am still working with Everready to get exact details, but a group of us plan to meet at the Mango Bar on Christmas afternoon to visit an orphanage for special needs children and bring gifts. Depending on numbers, we might take a small bus and a bucket of beer for AFTER our visit. We would stop for dinner together, as well. Plan on 75ishRMB for either a taxi or bus and beer, and then another 50-75 for dinner. Once information is finalized, I'll have a WeChat group to share more. Let me know via WeChat if you are interested.
What: A little charity, a little beer, and a little Christmas adventure.
Who: Deserving kids
When: Friday, December 25, time is TBD. Plan on meeting at 1-2PM.
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
After all of that, you'll surely want to spend Boxing Day by beating yourself up on what will certainly be the best Boxing Day Hash of 2015! The Nautical Family plans to spread some holiday cheer all over Maofengshan, as Hello Sailor will navigate his long-awaited first non-Dafushan voyage. Separate Hashvertisement to come later, but to answer the question of whether we will be hashing on Saturday, the answer is "aye, aye."
What: GZH3 Run #1355: The Yet-to-be-Named Boxing Day Hash
Hares: Hello Sailor & 00
When: Saturday, December 26, 1:00PM sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1355: The Naughty & Nice Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
The Christmas season* is upon us, and the Guangzhou Hash is bound and determined to discover whether you have been naughty or nice this year on Saturday’s hash. However, this can be difficult to to determine for many of us...
...perhaps you spent a week’s wages at Cave Bar one night, but also went backwards on a trail to mark a check for your fellow hashers...
...maybe you found the trail and didn’t yell “On-on” to give yourself a head start, but then later spent 10 minutes cleaning buckets and vessels at the Mango Bar...
...by chance, you might have sat your ass on the bus all day drinking so much Pocari that there was none left for the runners, but then later redeemed yourself by volunteering as a dray...**
Fear not, for the Guangzhou Hash has its own ways of determining whether you’ve been naughty or nice, as well as what “gift” you might receive. There may be some spankings administered by a harriette, possibly a quiz about whether Santa Claus exists***, and definitely some sitting on the GM’s lap to determine how nice you are...
As a gift, the hares have found the best Boxing Day trail of 2015! Hello Sailor has left his home port of Dafushan and, despite being out of his familiar seas, he promised to have found numerous steps and hand rails during the GZH3 press conference at the Mango Bar on Wednesday night. However, your other gifts will depend on how well you pass/fail the naughty/nice tests. Maybe you’ll find yourself in some dense jungle undergrowth filled with mosquitoes?**** Perhaps you’ll be the lucky hasher who finds a looong uphill false trail at the bottom of your hash stocking? Maybe some delicious, hot mulled wine at a beer stop???????????
Bring all of your nice...and a little bit of your naughty....to the Mango Bar for the best last hash of 2015!
* “Holiday” season for us politically-correct Americans.
** Actually, there is no redemption for riding the bus and drinking up the Pocari. You are an asshole.
***The answer is “Yes.” Little Semen has likely hared more than you have this year, so his opinion takes precedence over yours, you jaded, uninspired grinch.
****Hint, hint. Bring your repellent if you need it.
What: GZH3 Run #1355: The Naughty & Nice Hash
Hares: Hello Sailor & 00
When: Saturday, December 26, 1:00PM sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain