Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
January & February 2016
Hashvertisement #1356: The Best Down Down Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
Having been bestowed with the honor of "Worst Down-Down" of 2015, Easter Eggs announced at Wednesday's GZH3 Press Conference (sponsored by Mango Bar) that she has her eyes set on an even more ambitious prize in 2016, saying,
"I really had my eyes set on the Best Down Down award last year. I thought I had some really good material on simulated drowning, but it just didn't go over very well with the crowd. Anyway, I think I've come up with some really good stuff on Arachnophobia and Sickle Cell Anemia that will blow Angry Dragon out of the water this year for Best Down Down."
Given Easter Eggs' reputation for comedy and witty banter, it comes as a shock to no one in the Guangzhou Hash that she is an annual contender for this award. But to have the confidence and balls to call her shot.....well.....she's true blue.
Don't miss Saturday's run, as Easter Eggs has promised to throw down her award-winning Down-Down without wasting any time. And what better time to do it than immediately after Hunkaspunk gives us the best hash of 2016!
What: GZH3 Run #1356: The Best Down-Down of 2016 Hash
Hares: Hunkaspunk & ???
When: Saturday, January 2, 1:00PM sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1359 and 1360 - Himalaya's Hot Spring Fuckoff Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
Having weathered a dry spell almost as devastating as her native California* has in the past few years, Himalaya will (finally) get the fuck out of Guangzhou in search of greener pastures and to reunite with her beloved Circle Jerk**. That is right, my "friends," in two short weeks, the Guangzhou Hash will be hosting the long-awaited Himalaya Fuckoff Hash!
We will head to Conghua for a weekend of beer, hash, and hot springs to commemorate the occasion. Saturday is an early departure...please take note...and we will stay the night at a hot spring resort before returning to the Mango Bar around 6-7pm on Sunday. Big Hash on Saturday and Hangover Hash on Sunday morning.
Register early as space is very limited...pay at the next two hashes or via WeChat to Thumbleprints la.
*You California yuppies better not touch our Great Lakes water...
**Circle Jerk...if you still get these emails, you have 26 days to toss the condom wrappers and clear the apartment of long, blonde hairs.
What: Himalaya's Hot Spring Fuckoff Hash - GZH3 Runs #1359 & 1360
Hares: Hello Sailor & Cum Cannon (Saturday). Double-00 and Turtlehead (Sunday). Circle Jerk (currently laying a flour trail to the bed).
When: Saturday & Sunday, January 23-24, 11:00AM sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Cost: RMB350 - Includes t-shirt, bus, beer, hotel, hot spring craziness, 2 hashes, Saturday dinner, Sunday dinner.
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1357: The Lost in Translation Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
The race for Best Hash of 2016 is officially on, and after Hunkaspunk and Thumbleprints threw down the gauntlet with last week's run, this week's hares have resolved to better their efforts and lay claim to 2016 trail supremacy.
However, there seems to be a bit of an issue with communication...
One hare asked the others where to meet on Saturday, only to receive an opinion on how the National Hockey League is going this season. Later, when discussing the B Point for Saturday's run, a recipe for Spanish paella was shared. Finally, the question of how much flour to buy was asked, but the only answer was "No, sorry, I also long for your tender touch and warm embrace, but I have a young family that I cannot betray."
And so it went as the hares made preparations for this week's trail; mistakes were made, signals were crossed, and guarded emotions were exposed and left vulnerable for all to see. But just when it looked like all was lost and the trail would become a legendary fuckup, the hares consulted language expert Papasan, who offered his wise, multilingual advice for all to understand...
"DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN...."
...and all was saved.
Cum Saturday for the best language immersion you'll ever receive, and bring a virgin or two to learn from our cunning linguists in the Guangzhou Hash.
What: GZH3 Run #1357: The Lost in Translation Hash
Hares: Fill-Her-Up and Three Inches of Pain
When: Saturday, January 9, 1:00PM sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
See you Saturday...On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1358: The 'Not for the Faint of Heart' Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen (sounds like...) of the Guangzhou Hash,
Your beloved hares have toiled looooong and haaaard in the dark to bring you a beautiful ballbuster trail this weekend! Through hours of traversing both jungle and mountainous terrain, they were able to find their spiritual master. The first stage of their quest had been completed, but the master had further plans for them. That master has blessed them with the task of testing the endurance, bravery, and drinking ability of China's best hash.
It is with great honor and humility that your experienced guides - Shoeless and Scratchy - will condition both your body and spirit as you embark on an adventure towards enlightenment. DO NOT leave your (liquid) courage at the door, for it will aid you in the darkest of hours.
What: GZH3 Run #1358: Not for the Faint of Heart
Hares: Shoeless Ho & Scratch 'N Sniff
When: Saturday, January 16, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Note 1: This will be a longer trail, so please bring a flashlight or head torch with you and be at the Mango Bar on time!! Bring money for a taxi if you're coming after 1:30.
Note 2: There IS a walking option, however you should be sure to have 5-10rmb on you as you will need to cross through a park.
On On!
-Scratch & Sniff
Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash #116 - The Redemption Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
As you may or may not know, the etymology of the name "Turtlehead" has its roots in a full moon hash from about a year ago, While setting his virgin full moon trail, this week's hare brought FIVE kgs of flour and still somehow managed to run out, causing a massive fuckup (another fuckup was Eveready being allowed to order the food that night). Due to this shitting of flour everywhere, combined with some previous gastrointestinal issues on a hash, the name "Turtlehead" was given.
One year and many harings later, our hare has promised to redeem himself with the best full moon trail of 2016, saying at Saturday night's GZH3 press conference sponsored by The Mango Bar, "I'm really prepared this time, guys...I've bought 10kg of flour and I really think I've got a way to make it last 8-10km this time."
On On Thursday for the most well-marked full moon trail of all-time!
What: GZFMH3 Run #116: The Redemption Hash
Hare: Turtlehead
When: Thursday, January 21, 7:30PM
Where: San Yuan Li Metro Exit A2* (Line 2)
On On,
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1361 - The Narcissistic Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
One of the dynamic haring duos of the Guangzhou Hash returns this Saturday to provide you with what will certainly be an interesting trail on Saturday....
...the only question is how the hares are going to model the trail after their own image...
Will the trail be short and noisy like Thumbelprints? Will it become increasingly loud and sloppy as it goes on like Hunka when he drinks? Will you be screaming Malaysian obscenities when you can't find the flour? Will you be running with hot pot and beer stains all over yourself? Will the trail be flat in the chest or rounded in the middle?
These mysteries and more will be answered this Saturday during what will, thankfully, be the best weather of the week and the best
What: GZH3 Run #1361: The Narcissistic Hash
Hares: Thumbelprints & Hunkaspunk
When: Saturday, January 30, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1362 - The Escape from Guangzhou Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Reading the news about what has been going on back in lovely Guangzhou, I've been a concerned, caring GM who is worried about our hashers. It seems that some of you may have had some difficulty leaving the train station over the past few days, so the Guangzhou Hash has stepped in to provide you with alternative "escape" from GZ.
This week's hash trail will whisk you away from the near-apocalyptic state in which you find yourselves, as the hares have promised a run that is nowhere near the human stampedes and suffocation that currently clog the transportation hub of Southern China. The weekly GZH3 Press Conference (Sponsored by Mango Bar) was a bit crowded, with the queues for trains headed to Kunming and Changsha backed up into Xiaobei and Taojin. Despite this, the hares were able to announce their own, alternative exit strategy. "We offer you safe passage out of Guangzhou for only 50rmb," explained Cum Cannon, one of this week's hares and resident refugee expert of the Guangzhou Hash, who continued by saying, "we'll even throw in some cold beer...if you're a girl...under 30...and a virgin."
"But no German beer!" cried fellow hare Double-00 in a frantic reminder to the huddled, dirty masses who had turned their attention to this new glimmer of hope. "No German beer, but please board the busses in an orderly manner and we will take you from Guangzhou and into the beautiful countryside..."
"C'mon people we don't have all day..."
"Let's go peop...goddamnit...lai! Jiao! Schnell! Schnell! On ze trains...err...busses! ON THE BUSSES!"
Cum this Saturday to flee Guangzhou, get some tasty beer, and run a kick ass escape route that the hares have prepared for you. We promise, it will be a short, pleasant ride into the countryside. On the bus...
What: GZH3 Run #1362: Escape From Guangzhou
Hares: Cum Cannon & Double-OO
When: Saturday, February 6 - 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1363 - The Premature Valentines Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash...
Cumming this weekend is that most-dreaded of "holidays" where you're expected to spend an hourly wage on chocolates, a day's work on flowers, a week's pay on dinner, and a month's salary on jewelry - all in hopes of 2 minutes of pleasure at the end of it all. Rest assured, dearest Hashers, the Guangzhou Hash saves the day once more with an alternative Valentine's Day for you and your loved one*.
For just 50rmb, you can cancel that quiet, romantic limousine in favor of a hash bus that comes with live music at the end of the night. For that same small price, get rid of your fancy dinner reservations and dine in a rustic, authentic Cantonese restaurant**. And don't forget, you can toss the champagne because, as always, there are bottomless buckets of cold beer awaiting you and that special someone of yours.
Best of all, the featured entertainment for the best Valentine's weekend of your life*** is none other than the HareRazor of the Guangzhou Hash deflouring yet another virgin along the slopes of Maofengshan. Confirmation of their Valentine's Day connection is still pending, but don't be suprised if one is trying to marry the other in hopes of gaining citizenship****.
Cum Saturday with your better half (and maybe bring a virgin along for some extra fun) and WEAR RED OR PINK and get yourself in the mood at a cheaper price for those 2 minutes of glory later on Saturday evening*****.
* - Yes, Triple-X Ray, your hand counts as a loved one.
** - Perhaps too authentic...
*** - Except that time at the Cave Bar when you got your valentine for 700rmb after promising breakfast in the morning.
**** - TDA has always been trying to get his hands on Syrian citizenship.
***** - Added benefit: the beer extends your 2 minutes into a full hour of excuses and apologies.
What: GZH3 Run #1363: The Premature Valentine Hash - WEAR RED OR PINK
Hares: Cum Cannon & Virgin Hare Tap-Dat-Ass
When: Saturday, February 13 - 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exiit B
On On from Pondicherry...see you next week!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1364 - The Pantheon Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
I'm troubled that my GM approval rating has, according to my own personal polling data, plummeted to an abysmal104% during my time away, and the rumors of dissension in the ranks has made this Dear Leader nervous about those around him. If things got any further out of hand, I would have had Hello Sailor arrested for misuse of Hash funds, but instead...
In order to quell the unrest, the Harerazor and I give to you a legendary Hare pairing that features BOTH winners of the "Best Hash" Award from 2014 and 2015. This, as you may say, is a pantheon of our greatest hares, and this duo has promised to deliver the perfect hash trail as we get back into the swing of things post-CNY.
Cum Saturday for what could be the Best Hash of 2016, as these two hares look to keep that hallowed title for another year. On On!
What: GZH3 Run #1364: The Pantheon Hash
Hares: Hunkaspunk & Turtlehead
When: Saturday, February 20, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash #117 on February 22
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
There's only one way to properly celebrate the Lantern Festival, and that is of course by joining the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash for its Lantern Festival Hash on Monday!
GZFMH3 GM Gorf has assembled a crack team to lead you through shady streets that you will illuminate with your personality (sounds like...) and lantern/torch/flashlight in search of Papasan's elusive flour marks. And, as always is the case on a Papasan run, we are bound to end at an excellent restaurant with delicious, cold beer.
On On Monday for the best way to celebrate Lantern Festival and get your week off to a roaring start.
What: GZFMH3 Run #117: The Lantern Festival Hash 元宵之夜，大街小巷张灯结彩，人们赏灯，猜灯谜，吃元宵，中国2000多年的传统习俗。
Hare: Papasan & Cuntpass
When: Monday, February 22, 7:30PM
Where: Gongyuanqian Exit F (Line 1 & 2 Interchange)
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1365 - The B-52 Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
2016 marks the 70th anniversary of Boeing's first tests on the US Military bomber that would be known as the B-52. The famous "Stratofortress" would become a major icon of the Cold War, as well as serving in every major US Air Force campaign since Korea (you may be familiar with a few of these...). Even the classic dark comedy Dr. Strangelove features Slim Pickens and James Earl Jones flying a B-52 while William Holden and Peter Sellers try in vain to save the world on the ground. Despite its popular history as a relic of the Cold War, the B-52 is still in service and the USAF plans to maintain its use until 2040.
Much like the B-52, we have a Hasher turning 52 this weekend who is quite a relic, himself. Despite his age, bad back, and collection of pills he needs to take to get (it) up for a Hash run, Constipation is still in service and the GZH3 plans to keep using him until at least 2040.
Join us for a special B-52 Hash featuring the old bastard, himself, and celebrate as only the GZH3 knows how. Hunkaspunk has even offered to buy everyone a celebratory B-52 shot at the Mango Bar afterward. Not a bad deal for your 50rmb...
What: GZH3 Run #1365: The B-52 Hash
Hares: Constipation & Flour Bitch TBD
When: Saturday, February 27, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain