Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
May & June 2016
Hashvertisement #1377 - The Welcum Package Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
As you know...
The Guangzhou Hash is always very welcumming of virgins on our Saturday excursions: we get to deflour them in the name of better weather; they're made to load up the Hash bus with buckets of delicious beer; and they're bound to be bending over in the circle if Shoeless spots a pair of tight pants or an ample chest. However, several issues within the Guangzhou Hash have intertwined to bring about a new idea from the Mismanagement regarding virgins...and like all propositions set forward by the MM, this one is sure to go over more swimmingly than Easter Eggs in a Maofengshan pool.
Beginning Saturday, all virgins (not including visiting hashers) will be receiving a glorious package of hash gear upon registration. Our new charges shall be bestowed with a GZH3 t-shirt, beer condom, and bottle opener along with that life-changing first hash experience. This Welcum Package, along with the privilege of spending an afternoon with the fine upstanding members of the Guangzhou Hash, will cost each nubile newcummer merely 100RMB, a number that is sure to be accepted by the multitude of enthusiastic virgins we seem to be attracting week after week.
In addition, this week's virgins will get the last trail* co-hared by the wannabe-American and wannabe-anything-else-based-on-who-just-won-the-GOP-nomination. Our virgins will definitely need that new shirt after they've sweated through the one they brought, they'll surely need the beer condom as we get 'em drunk, and they'll certainly need their bottle opener as they toast the hares for another Best Hash Ever!
*- Who am I kidding? CC probably isn't going anywhere...
What: GZH3 Run #1377: The Welcum Package Hash
When: Saturday, May 7th, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Cum Cannon & Three Inches of Pain
How Much? RMB50 for returnees and visitors, RMB100 for virgins (Welcum Package included!)
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement Friday the 13th Hash
Ladies and "Gentlemen" of the Guangzhou Hash,
As you may or may not know, trails more or less reflect the hares' subconsciousness and personality. Our adventurous hashers have survived Papasan and Fill-Her-Up's ever-winding trails from their twisted minds; Hunkaspunk's shaggy trails from the laziness to shave; Constipation's never-ending banana fields from his deep-down desire for more bananas; and Turtlehead's swamped trails resulting from 50 calls from Dry Hump wondering why he's still at the B point.
Now is the time to explore the mysterious mind of this week's hare, Chaofan. The trail features a dark and creepy forest in Guangzhou which scattered fireflies that sparkle across the night sky like a shooting star. Hmm...what does that mean?! Cum and find out!
What: Friday the 13th Hash Run
When: Friday, May 13, 7:30PM
Where: Wushan Metro Station Exit B1 (Line 3)
Hare: Chaofan
Gear: a flashlight or a headlight is a MUST!
On On Friday for the best Friday the 13th Hash ever!
-Chaofan
Hashvertisement #1378 - The South Will Rise Again Hash
or 'The Inaugural Pearl River Delta Hash'
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
A few things have been lingering around since the conclusion of the All-China Nash Hash....the odor of rotten eggs outside the Mango Bar; pregnancy concerns with that Beijing hasher you slept with; the shame of sitting on the ice in a much-too-short kilt; and the mutant strain of syphilis still growing on your leg have hung around for the past 6 weeks.
Luckily, however, one positive thing that is still "lingering" around from the ACNH is the menage-a-trois bromance that's developed between the Guangzhou Hash and our neighbor kennels in Dongguan and Shenzhen. The GMs and Mismanagements of our respective Guangdong hashes have decided that our little corner of China is the best the country has to offer in hashing, and we're ready to prove it as the South Rises Again!
The Shekou Hash is hosting* the first of what we'll call The Pearl River Delta Hash, and 120rmb is all that it takes to get you on a bus with unlimited beer headed toward an excellent hash trail and dinner that's included in your run fee. Once again, we meet at NOON and the bus leaves by no later than 12:30pm. Don't miss what is sure to be one of the hash events of the year, as we prove that, unlike the South in the US, the South of China is really where it's at...for Hashing.
*Incredibly, none of these "lingering' things are fictional.
What: Pearl River Delta Hash #1: The South Will Rise Again
When: Saturday, May 14th, 12:00 Noon SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Shekou H3
How Much? RMB120 covers everything for the day, including the dinner and beer!
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1379 - The Prodigal Son Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
The Ass of the Guangzhou Hash, Hello Sailor, has frequently been recognized as the leader and father figure of the GZH3's Nautical Family, and our Great Helmsman must juggle many roles in his current life: the administrative backbone of the Hash as AssGM, the divine link to the Hash Gods as AssRA; the soap opera-watching homemaker being financially supported by his wife; and most importantly as the fatherly guide to Little Semen. Hello Sailor has enriched his former ejaculate with hash lessons ranging from setting cruel false trails to creating circle games that reveal boobies and butts.
However, Hello Sailor has begun to lose faith in his rearing abilities, as the scanty sperm has started to disappoint his old man. It all started a few weeks ago when, after a looong and harrrd hash, Hello Sailor had successfully coaxed two harriettes into getting half naked for some father-son bonding time, but Little Semen was only interested in his iPad games. Later in the week, the childly cumshot broke another Hash rule by taking holy hash songs out of the circle and into his school. Little Semen bid farewell to a classmate leaving for the restroom with a rendition of "Fuck Off You Wank," and then serenaded his school principal with "He's The Meanest" after being suspended.
Stuck with a grounded son who could no longer hare and burdened by his own failures as a hash father, Hello Sailor reached out to another young hasher to mentor and guide through the trials of Hash and of life. Scratch-n-Sniff, never really knowing who his father was (his mother being from Ohio and all...), had especially been longing for some paternal guidance since moving to China and away from the one real father he ever knew, Father Fitzpatrick*.
To fill these voids in their lives, Hello Sailor and Scratch-n-Sniff have teamed as a father and adopted son** haring team to bury their respective past disappointments. Hello Sailor can be proud that Scratch-n-Sniff only uses hash songs like "Why Was She Born?" when Itchy Britches has her back turned and is out of earshot, and also because he's always at full attention when tits are out in the circle. Scratch-n-Sniff can similarly look to Hello Sailor for guidance in matters of hashing, in life, and to have a father who will play something other than "Hide the Rosary Beads."
These two start their paternal relationship on Saturday by setting a perfect trail, as Hello Sailor has gotten Scratch-n-Sniff on the right path by having him bring his fiance to make a beer stop. Bring yourself, bring a virgin, and most importantly bring 50kuai to the best hash ever!
*Father Fitzpatrick - Formerly of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Cincinnati, currently of the Columbus State Penitentiary.
**We have to imagine that Hello Sailor has a 26 year old son somewhere, anyway. He might as well get used to the idea.
What: GZH3 Run #1379: The Prodigal Son Hash
When: Saturday, May 21st, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Hello Sailor, Scratch-n-Sniff (not Little Semen), Itchy Britches
How Much? RMB50 for returnees and visitors, RMB100 for virgins (Welcum Package included!)
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash #120
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
As many of the hares of the Guangzhou Hash and Guangzhou Full Moon Hash are riding off into the sunset, Gorf and I decided that the GMs of Guangzhou need to get some fresh blood into the haring ranks.
Gorf has started this new trend by giving the green light to Pound-a-Cherry to set his first trail as lead hare. Not only has PaC promised to deliver a fantastic full moon run, but he's also living up to his hymen-harming name by claiming that TWENTY new hashers will be joining. Although this may be 52 virgins short of getting Cum Cannon interested in staying in GZ, there will be plenty of halal virgin meat to go around this Friday.
On On Friday evening for what is sure to be an adventurous and virginal full moon hash. Bring yourself, bring a torch, bring your drinking shoes, and the hares will provide the virgins!
What: Full Moon Hashvertisement #120
When: Friday, May 20th, 7:30pm.
Where: Mango Bar - Tancun Metro Exit A (Line 5)
Hares: Pound-a-Cherry, Just Ted, & Hunkaspunk
Bring: A torch!
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1380/81 - The Sunset of the Golden Age Hash
or Angry Dragon, Double-00 and Cum Cannon's Fuck Off Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
As Cum Cannon arrives into New York Harbor aboard a syphilis-ridden ship filled with rotting potatoes and Italians shooting dice, he'll pass by that iconic symbol of the American Dream and Americans' ever-welcoming attitude toward refugees. He'll read the famous inscription that millions of alcoholics, army cannon fodder, and jihadists have read before him. He'll read to himself with a smile on his face and a tear in his eye, "Give me your poor (Yes, that's CC. Fucking Chinese economy), Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free (Finally free of Guangzhou's PM2.5 level of 138, heading to NYC's PM2.5 level of 131), The wretched (Excellent adjective to use in connection with CC) of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me (Send some good beer while you're at it, too), I lift my lamp beside the golden door (Tramps and whores? Yes!)." We wish Cum Cannon only the best in whatever lies ahead (Sounds like, sounds like...). Let's fuck him off properly on Saturday.
While CC seeks new shores and a plethora of freedoms that make all other nations communist red with envy, Double-00 looks to expand his geographical footprint across China in true German fashion. Hong Kong became too crowded, Shanghai became too trendy, and now Cantonese food has became too bland for our Dearly Departing Uberhashmeister. In search of a little Lebensraum (or "Living Space" as a certain political party marketed it to their people in the 1930s...) and better food, Double-00 and his spicy sidekick Angry Dragon are fucking (off to Hunan). Speaking at his final GZH3 press conference (sponsored by Mango Bar), Double-00 took to the microphone in a fiery diatribe, "Ve're going to march into Yingde and ve're going to schtrike! Ve're going to check ze checks! Ve're going to blitz ze mountains! And zen ve're going to Changsha! VE'RE GOING TO....TO....ummmm, excuse me ladies und gentlemen I have a phone call. Yes honey? Vhat? Really? Oh I see. But honey...but....okay. Yes dear. Yes dear. Mmhmm, I love you too. Um, ladies und gentlemen of ze Guangzhou Hash, ze Yingde Fuckoff Weekend has been postponed again. I vill see you all in June for ze best fuckoff weekend ever!"
Luckily the Yingde Fuckoff weekend WILL remain as "originally" planned despite Angry Dragon's pedicure appointment. We meet early at 10:30am on Saturday at the Mango Bar, and you should note these particular pieces of information:
1. Early departure! Arrive at 10:30am!
2. Bring a lunch for the bus on Saturday. Better yet, bring some to share.
3. Bring two pairs of shoes if possible. Things might get a little dirty on Saturday....
4. Bring your passport for hotel check-in.
5. Return to Mango Bar sometime in the early evening on Sunday night.
6. Saturday: 10:30am!
What: GZH3 Runs #1380 & 1381: The Double-00, Angry Dragon, & Cum Cannon Fuckoff Weekend in Yingde
When: Saturday & Sunday, May 28th-29th. Meet at 10:30AM!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Double-00, Three Inches of Pain, Cum Cannon, & Hello Sailor!
How Much? 350RMB includes transportation, t-shirt, 2 trails, Saturday dinner, hotel, Sunday lunch, and most importantly - BEER!
On On at 10:30am for the greatest fuckoff hash of all-time this weekend!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1382- The Fish Ball Soup Hash & Beach Weekend!
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
At Wednesday night's GZH3 Press Conference (sponsored by Mango Bar), this weekend's hares couldn't come to an agreement about what Saturday's hash would be called. Thumbelprints thought it should be the "Rising Prices Hash" and to charge RMB250 per hasher, but luckily a mismanagement quorum wasn't available to pass such a motion. Fill-Her-Up wanted to call it the "Go Back to Malaysia So I Can Reclaim My Life Hash," but this somehow didn't go over very well with his co-hare.
Finally, Turtlehead strode to the podium, wiped his brow, and muttered something about the perspiration accumulating near his genitalia and surrounding areas. It was then clear to all what the name of this weekend's hash would be and what the priorities were....
With the stifling heat and humidity that has Turtlehead's boxers resembling a Cantonese noodle bowl, the hares have made sure that there will be a swimmin' hole on Saturday, so bring your swimmies! Also, with so many hares, one could only expect that there will be a beer stop, but let's not overestimate these hares quite yet...
On On Saturday for a nice dip to cool off that soup you've got brewing between your legs! (Except for Dutch Pandora, who might want to check out a clinic to get rid of what's brewing between his legs)
What: GZH3 Run #1382: The Fish Ball Soup Hash
When: Saturday, June 4th - 1:00PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Fill-Her-Up, Thumbelprints, & Turtlehead
How Much? RMB50 for returnees and visitors, RMB100 for virgins (Welcum Package included!)
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1383: The Passing of the Accusation Torch
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
As Double-00 moves on to the place where old hashers go to die*, he's found it important to pass along his many hash talents to the next generation of Guangzhou Hashers. He's given the new GM a 74-page book about how to mismanage**; he'll be officially passing his web wanking responsibilities on to Just Claire***; and he plans to bestow his role as the GZH3's most active giver of accusations to this week's new co-hare.
Chaofan has come on strong of late in the accusation department, lending her comedic touch to circles while many of you are too busy negotiating prices with virgins. Her down down prowess has shown such potential that our master bard, himself, has decided to take her under his wing and groom her as a rightful successor.
"I see a lot of myself in Chaofan," said a visibly-emotional Double-00 at his 4th final GZH3 press conference on Wednesdaynight, "and I want to ensure that she knows all the finer points about delivering the perfect accusation." Double-00 then laid out his 5-point plan to mentor Chaofan in the lost art of the down down. This manifesto, titled Mein Accusations, was scrawled as such on the back of a cancelled train ticket to Changsha...
1. For best results, try to give your accusation before passing out during the circle.
2. All down down songs have a strict 4-word limit.
3. Accuse others as you would have them accuse you...unless they're a real fucker.
4. When it seems like everyone is ready to go to the restaurant, this is the perfect time for another down down.
5. Never let trivial matters like the truth get in the way of a good accusation.
* - That place being their girlfriends/wives' hometowns...
** - As well as the Worst Lady
*** - Double-00 wants the record to show that he will continue to wank on the web 2-3 times per day.
Cum Saturday as Double-00 returns from the brink one final time to impart his wisdom upon the newest mutation of Guangzhou hashers and possibly set the best hash of 2016 in the process!
What: GZH3 Run #1383: The Passing of the Accusation Torch
When: Saturday, June 1th - 1:00PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Double-00 & Chaofan
How Much? RMB50 for returnees and visitors, RMB100 for virgins (Welcum Package included!)
Hashvertisement #1384 & 1385: The Gorf Fuckoff & Beach Wedding Weekend
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Dragon Boat Festival may have been a weekend for some of us to get out of China for a few days, but this cumming weekend gives us an even better opportunity to do some proper fucking around inside the dome itself as the Guangzhou Hash makes its way east to Shenzhen's best beach for a momentous weekend of debauchery and fuckoffery.
As you may or may not know, everyone's favorite Frenchy is fucking off, (Oui Oui!) and we're prepared to offer him a proper au revoir as he leaves us for the happy hashing hunting grounds of Saudi Arabia (no, that's not a joke...). Gorf fucks off and we have a special treat as Itchy Britches and Scratch n' Sniff will officially unite themselves in hash matrimony (Hashtrimony?), something far more important and meaningful than the real thing.
We've got a beautiful beach hotel picked out in Dongchong and some hashadelic trails and beer stops to go along with it. Your RMB400 gets you transportation to/from the Mango, 2 trails, 2 circles, 2 bashes, hotel room, THE BEACH!, and as always...BEER! You can't beat the deal and you can't beat a GZH3 hash weekend - space on the bus is First Come-First Served, so pay the money now la to get your seat reserved!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jb0W0lHCVQA
What: GZH3 Runs #1384 & 1385: The Gorf Fuckoff & Beach Wedding Weekend
When: Saturday & Sunday June 18th & 19th - 9:30AM!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
Hares: Gorf, Three Inches of Pain, Muff Diver, Turtlehead, Itchy Britches, & Scratch-n-Sniff
How Much? RMB400 - Pay at the Hash or send payment via WeChat to Thumbelprints, Womb Raider, or myself.
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Disclaimer: China and hashing can be dangerous activities. The organizers of the Guangzhou Hash accept no liability for anything that happens before, during or after the Hash.
Full Moon Hashvertisement #121: The Mystery GM Changeover Hash
(Bring a torch!)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
The GM of the Full Moon Hash has been called by his government to serve during a very important point in its history. Speaking at Tuesday's GZFMH3 Press Conference at Mango Bar, GM Gorf had this to say about his upcumming appointment in Jeddah:
"All deeeeze guys from Saudi want to come over to France. Dey must be wanting to watch de Euros or somesing. Deeeze guys are really prepared tourists, though, I'm impressed. Dey've got blueprints and designs of The Louvre, Stade de France, and the Eiffel Tower in their luggage. Very impressive, huh? Yes, so I go...need to get deeeze guys their visas."
And with that, Gorf is off. BUT, not before we fuck him off full moon style and replace him with a GM that is surely less French and definitely more capable. Gorf has arranged for a mysterious cuntryside run site that will require you to bring a torch, as well as something to swim in afterwards. That's right, we'll be taking a bus from Mango Bar and getting outside of the city for a forested full moon that will properly give Gorf an 'au revoir' and a 'fuck off you wank!'
What: GZFMH3 Run #121: The Mystery GM Changeover Hash
When: Friday June 24th - 6:30PM with a torch.
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B. Best found using a torch.
Hares: Gorf & Mystery Hare
How Much? RMB100 includes bus, dinner, and beer. But not a torch...you should bring one.
What to Bring? Torch, trail shoes, swimmies, change of clothes, torch.
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement # 1386: The Double Trouble Hangover Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash...
As I'm sure all of you are waiting with baited breath and pour over every word I ever write in my hashvertisements, I probably don't need to explain what's happening tomorrow (Friday), but I will again just for those of you who have trouble breathing and reading at the same time.
We'll fuck off the GZFMH3 GM Gorf with a unique cuntryside Full Moon run. Bring a torch and 100rmb to the Mango Bar at 6:30, and we'll do the rest. An additional note of importance is that you can choose to bring a tent/sleeping bag and stay the evening at the restaurant, as it will also be the A point for Saturday's trail. There are also rumors of cheese and bacon being available for those who stay the night...hmmmm. Contact me for more details!
What: GZFMH3 Run #121: The Mystery GM Changeover Hash
When: Friday June 24th - 6:30PM with a torch.
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B. Best found using a torch.
Hares: Gorf & Mystery Hare
How Much? RMB100 includes bus, dinner, and beer. But not a torch...you should bring one.
What to Bring? Torch, trail shoes, swimmies, change of clothes, torch. Tent/sleeping bag if you wish to camp the night!
Saturday features a bit of a hangover run that will be set by the masters of hangover hashing, themselves. Luckily, these hares will be camping at the A point on Friday night, so they should be back to their usual vigor after a beer and bacon in the pool for breakfast. Despite the hangover and despite themselves, all indications are that Saturday's hash could line up to be the greatest of 2016, especially because there will be another poolside finish!
What: GZH3 Run #1386: The Double Trouble Hangover Hash
When: Saturday, June 25th - 1:00PM sharp!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B. Best found using a torch.
Hares: Gorf & Hunkaspunk
How Much? 50rmb for GZ hashers and visitors. 120rmb for newcummers includes GZH3 welcum package!
What to Bring? Trail shoes, swimmies, change of clothes, 50-70rmb for dinner.
See you this weekend for the best back-to-back days of hashing in Guangzhou this week...ever!
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
