Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
March & April 2015
Hashvertisement #1317 – The Half-Lucky Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
The 8 is China’s lucky number, and if we’d hold a hash on August, the 8th it would probably have the motto ‘the Lucky Date Hash’. Unfortunately, the mismanagement cannot give you a Lucky Date Hash, not at this time of the year, but at least we can give you a Half-Lucky Hash.
Our Religious Advisor Three Inches of Pain and virgin sacrifice, oh sorry, I mean hare Double Dutch have decided to pick the most auspicious date of this month to set what they also like to call the Best Hash Ever.
When: April 4, 2015 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
On On,
00
Hashvertisement #1318 – The Post-Apocalyptic Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
A message from the hares:
2015. Saturday, April 11th. The Messiah has returned and Judgement Day has passed. Most of humanity has gone to either Heaven or Hell, and the world is in a state of utter desolation. Nowhere is the post-apocalyptic abandonment more visible than in a small mountain village in the suburbs of Guangzhou, China. The remains of a holiday park. Farm animals running across overgrown trails.
Do you want to experience this and be saved from imminent destruction? Join the Guangzhou Hash coming Saturday, 1 PM @ The Gold Mango Bar!
Hares: Turtlehead and Ruben
PS: long socks and trousers advised.
Hashvertisement #1319 – The White Trash Hash
When the hares went out scouting this week, it was a bit like the scene in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy exclaims, “Fucking hell, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore” (or something to that effect). It turns out these hares weren’t back home in the Good ole’ USA, either.
Armed with a limited Chinese vocabulary and the latest and greatest in Chinese mobile technology (also quite limited), the hares stumbled their stupid Midwestern selves around Guangzhou before finding this week’s hash trail.
But fear not, Hashers of Guangzhou, for what these hares lack in Chinese language, their Ohio and Michigan heritage qualify them as White Trash. Our hares even look the part; one having stopped shaving when welfare benefits ceased paying for razor blades, the other looking like he’s had a few too many frozen burritos from said benefits.
White Trash is also a label that can also be applied to the trail they’ve set. Parts of this trail will look like a Michigan family reunion, with KFC buckets and used meth spoons lying around. Other parts might look like the Southern Ohio wilderness, with mysterious, virgin trails hiding moonshine (baijo) stills and grizzly mountain men chasing virgins. And like the virgins of the Midwest US, this trail is set to lose its virginity to some creepy older men who’ve had too much to drink.
Yes, Ladies and “Gentlemen” of the Guangzhou Hash, we will be that creepy, molesting, drunken uncle this weekend (the only difference is that we will first do the deflouring, and then drink the PBR). On On!
What: Guangzhou Hash Run #1319
Hares: Tom & Three Inches of Pain (America, fuck yeah!)
Where: Gold Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
When: Saturday, April 18, 2015 - 1:00 PM
Hashvertisement #1320 – The Slow and Slower Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash!
We are very sad to say that we have had numerous complaints in the last week about check backs being marked as false trials during the previous run. We are not sure why this is happening as everyone from the Mis-Management made it back ok and with Hello Sailor more or less missing the entire circle we may have even made a profit for once last week!
Anyway, one of the younger and much shorter members of the haring elite amongst us became so concerned that Hello Sailor may not have totally achieved his weekly beer consumption allowance that he actually had the audacity to write to the Mis-Management and issue an LBCR (Low Beer Consumption Report)! In short that hasher, namely Little Semen, and I quote directly here, said “I may be slow and Hello Sailor maybe even slower but as a team we have the potential to become one of the GZ3H’s haring elites!”
Indeed when the Principle of Little Semen’s school found out that an LBCR had been issued to the Mis-Management he said that there was only one thing for it. He immediately ordered that a three-day sporting marathon be held in at Little Semen’s school in order to ensure that this weeks hares are at the peek of their sporting prowess on Saturday!
I am sure that all of the hashers in Guangzhou will also be pleased to hear that we in the Mis-Management have also taken this complaint seriously and have cum fully on board with our corrective actions. Hello Sailor has been ordered to attend additional trial marking classes, which have cum at great expense and were held in the Panyu Brew on at least 3 occasions this week so far.
Unfortunately it has to be said that the Mother of the Hare is starting to worry that Hello Sailor maybe taking the trial marking classes a little too seriously as there are flour trials appearing throughout the Panyu area. One of her major concerns is that ALL of the outgoing trials seem to lead directly to a Beer Stop in The Brew. Unfortunately no one, not even Hello Sailor can quite understand why the return trails always seems to be twice as long and include numerous check backs and false trials that go in and out of some rather dubious looking “KTV, Spa and Massage” establishments. Whatever the cause I am sure there is a perfectly rational and innocent explanation for it all.
If nothing else I can guarantee this, the Hares will in no doubt will be setting what will be the Best Hash in Guangzhou this coming Saturday.
Anyway Personally I believe it all to sounds like, sounds like ……….
Trial – Dafu Shan Forrest Park, Walkers trial 5km, Runners trial 7km (ish).
Hares – Hello Sailor, Little Semen, a taxi and the Mother of the Hare (who will be keeping a close eye on proceedings).
Meet at the Gold Mango Bar 13:00 hrs (1 PM) Saturday
Hashvertisement #1315 – Whorenando’s Fuck Off Hash & #1316 - The Dawn of the Swiss Chocolate Hash, March 28/29
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Many people actually believe that Whorenando already hashed with the Red Guards in The Olde Guangzhou. While this seems to be quite far-fetched it is certainly true that he has hashed before any other of our current hashers, so that no one can possibly know when he started with us. That is probably why a lot of you are also not yet convinced that he is really going to fuck off, and rather prefer to think that he made up all of this for the sake of having another weekend hash frenzy.
Hashers, I hate to break it to you but Whorenando is really leaving China, and this time it is indeed for good. In order to commemorate this historical event we are going to the hot springs in Conghua.
The mismanagement has already dealt with the most urgent organizational issues, i.e. the RA is going to stall summer for another two weeks so that the hot spring pools in our hotel rooms make sense, and the bus driver has received the compulsory mental coaching for the upcumming fun rides.
We meet on Saturday, March 28, 2015 @ 11 AM and get back on Sunday, March 29 before dinner. We drive directly to the A-point without stopping anywhere for lunch. So don’t forget to bring some food on the bus. If you like to be popular you might want to bring some more and share it with the others.
After the Saturday run we check into the hotel first before circle and dinner.
On Sunday we check out of the hotel at 10AM and do the hangover hash. After the circle and a late and lengthy lunch we head back to Guangzhou.
Pay 300 RMB on Saturday to secure one of the 40 beds in the hotel. Also included in the price is dinner on Saturday, lunch on Sunday, and, of course, all drinks.
Seats are limited!
On On,
00
Hashvertisement # 1314 – The Serial Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
+++ Tickets for the weekend hash selling out fast, and the hotel only hash 40 beds for us, so better pay up your 300 RMB on Saturday +++
His appetite for virgins is legendary, and we don’t have to worry that it’ll get spoiled anytime soon. Quite the contrary. In an emotional acceptance speech Cum Cannon expressed his excitement about having been elected the new Harerazor of the Guangzhou Hash House Harriers.
‘This finally gives me the opportunity to approach virgins under the disguise of a senior position on the mismanagement team. The prey won’t sniff anything fishy until it’s too late,’ he happily explained his strategy to the audience at the Mango Bar at the hash press conference late last night.
For Cum Cannon’s predecessor Constipation the change means a big improvement in quality of life, too, at least once the other hashers realize that he isn’t going to push them to hare anymore, but merely wants to talk and drink beer in good company. So, hashers, there is no need hiding from him anymore.
When: Saturday, March 21, 2015 @ 1PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Cum Cannon with virgin hare Pearl
On On,
00
Hashvertisement # 1313 – The RA Changeover Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
AS YOU KNOW, not only did Hunkaspunk step down as the Religious Advisor of the Guangzhou Hash last Saturday after the dinner, but at the same time he also introduced his successor. The mismanagement applauds such proactivity because it means that we don’t have to meet and vote* for someone ourselves.
Others, however, are more concerned.
‘Everybody can do funny’, someone from the pack claimed during the bus ride back home, ‘but can he also do weather?’
That is indeed a very good point, and by the look out of my window I seriously doubt it. But it’s only Thursday today, and the new RA** still has two more days to soothe the weather gods, so let’s not try to skin the tiger before we haven’t even purchased the zoo tickets.
When: Saturday, March 14, 2015 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Cum Cannon and Constipation
I know, I came up with the tiger analogy myself, but please note that skinning the new RA on Saturday would be extremely unwise, since he has volunteered to join the scouting party that will go to Conghua on Sunday to organize Whorenando’s Fuck Off weekend at the Hot Springs, March 28/29. Let me know if you want to cum, too, to send him off in the best hash fashion. Seats are, as always, limited.
And don’t forget the Friday the Thirteenth Hash tomorrow night!
On On,
00
*for voting is anyway far overrated
**too drunk last Saturday after dinner to remember who the new RA is? Or didn’t cum to the hash at all? Check out the new website for information on all mismanagers and muuuuuch more.
