Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
# 1244 – The Mediated Syrian Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
What I like most about the Awards Ceremony* is the mollifying mix of incorruptibility and professionalism with which the distinguished Awards Committee determines the Best or the Worst Hash of the Year and, for that matter, each of the winners in the 20 something categories.
Having been on the Committee once myself I know how heavy the burden of responsibility weighs around ones neck, after all, many unsuccessful nominees have gone berserk after they’d gotten denied their 15 minutes of fame** and done some very naughty things which are truly beyond description***.
A common complaint of most rejected nominees is that the committee never remembers their runs early into the hashing season, or intertwines the memory of them with other trails so that the ‘Best Hash’ is finally credited to the wrong person rather than to them.
Hashers, this won’t happen! Not on the Guangzhou Hash. The infallible mismanagement team is fully aware of the problem of blurring memories and has already a long time ago introduced memory and objectivity enhancing beer on the hash. Ever since, the committee members have been able to recall each and every of the seven or so runs of 2013. It’s all a question of the right dosage. If applied correctly**** absolutely nothing can slip their attention. Their verdict is therefore always just.
‘Sounds like a lot of bullshit to me’ commented one of the hares upon hearing this during last night’s hash press conference. ‘In my humble opinion it is an outright scandal that the mismanagement won’t consider this run for the upcoming Awards Ceremony anymore. But obviously they are not competent enough to buy the awards, make the design and get it all printed, even though there is still an entire week left. I guess if we really want Saturday’s hash to be remembered in a year from now we have to outshine ourselves once again. We therefore will set an extraordinary trail.’
‘To be precise’ added the other hare with a big smile on his face, ‘the trail will even be muuuuch more ordinary than just extraordinary.’
‘No, it won’t’ objected the first hare, thus dislodging the smirk from his co-hare’s face. ‘There is no such thing. But we will have a beer stop after about a quarter of the trail. That’s when everybody will welcome an ice cold, sparkling refreshment.’
‘No, absolutely not’ disagreed the second hare, ‘we will have the beer stop after three quarters of the trail. That’s when everybody is really craving for it.’
‘Nonsense. That’s so close to the B-point, we wouldn’t need a beer stop at all anymore. No, no, we’ll better keep it early into the run.’
‘Huh’ responded the other hare, ‘is this another of your brilliant ideas such as the one to run from B to A? Now listen carefully, my friend, if...‘
‘Well, it was you who suggested marking every single view point on the trail, wasn’t it? How silly is that? We would be out of flour latest after half of the trail. No living creature is able to carry so much flour onto the mountain to mark every view point.’
‘One could just mark them with a small v maybe, then it might be ok.’
‘Nonsense, nonsense, nothing but nonsense.’
Normally this is the moment when everyone in the Gold Mango Bar is getting excited about the prospect of becoming witness to a good fight. However, yesterday the Gold Mango fell silent instantly and fear could be seen creeping over stools and tables, inevitably taking possession of every living soul present. These days it seems that no one feels overly comfortable in the company of Syrians disagreeing too much with each other.
‘Quick’ said the brightest hasher as soon as he regained the power of speech. ‘Let’s get them a mediator. That always does the trick.’
But that was of course easier said than done. The Americans claimed that they were too busy getting their own shit together, the Frenchies announced they weren’t supporting any mediating activities if these would require the use of a foreign language, and the Germans first had to consult their conscience, see whether it's ok to support the troubled Syrians. Such sensitive matters are never taken lightly by any German since it is of vital importance that during this process the other Germans have to notice the deep inner conflict that one is going through for the sake of coming up with the morally right decision.
But finally, after the appropriate period of time had passed, and after the obligatory reassuring looks at his compatriots, one brave German hasher came forward and proclaimed ‘Yes, I will do it. I will support them unconditionally, although I should probably mention that I will have to refrain to peace-building measures.’ Upon which a sigh of relief went through the Mango Bar. Peace was once again restored.
Saturday’s run will be a great compromise. First of all this means that the beer stop will be at one of the many breath-taking view points after exactly 50% of the trail. It was further mediated that what was formerly known as the A-point will now be the B-point, while the B-point gets promoted to A-point. However, to serve both hares justice the run will start at the B-point and the circle will be celebrated at the A-point. With regard to the view points none of them will be marked, because there is really no living creature able to carry enough flour up the mountain to mark the 888***** stunning view points. It would be utter nonsense to even try.
When: Saturday, December 7, 2013 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
What: The 888 View Points Hash
What else: Another 100% Virginal Trail
Hares: Cum Cannon, Circle Jerk and 00 and a Golden Retriever
On On,
00
*Christmas Party and Awards Ceremony at the Wunderbar, December 14 @ 7.30 PM. Tickets are selling out really fast so make sure you get yours. Pay 200 RMB to Thumbleprints on Saturday before the run.
**although, strictly speaking, with the band starting at 10 PM, and the huge number of winners and all the great prizes that the Hash is giving away, we won’t have 15 minutes in the spot light for each winner. That would also be totally boring, and AS YOU KNOW, the Guangzhou Hash defies boredom with all its hearts.
*** If you nevertheless want to get the description you can go to Google and click on one of the links that they list on their webpage. I think it’s called www.unsuccessfulnomineesgoneberserk.com or something like that.
****i.e. in large quantities, otherwise the effect isn’t satisfactory.
*****At least this is what one of the hares claimed last night. The other one strongly disagreed and declared the entire trail one gigantic view point******. The mismanagement wants you to judge for yourselves and then mediate between the two hares. Good Luck with that.
******Which would mean that the hares would have to cover the whole damn mountain in flour.
#1245 – The Annual Awards Hash and Ceremony
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
This is the top event of the Hashing Season: The Annual Hash Awards Ceremony, aka ‘The Christmas Party’. History will once again be written when our most deserving hashers are bestowed priceless awards and fantastic prizes.
The Party starts on Saturday, December 14 @ 7.30 PM. As in previous years we party at the Wunderbar on Tianhe Bei Lu 175 – 181. German food, German beer and French wine and a great live band are included in the ridiculously low and heavily subsidized ticket price of 200 RMB. Tickets can be acquired during the ”Friday, The Thirteenth Hash”, or on Saturday at the Gold Mango Bar before the regular Hash. It goes without saying that there aren’t too many left, so you better hurry up.
A lot of people have asked ‘What? The GZH3 is still hashing before the Party?’ This is an extremely insensitive question. Of course there is a hash. There is a hash on EVERY given Saturday, cum rain, shine or Awards Ceremony. As always, we are going to meet at the Gold Mango Bar @ 1 PM. The bus leaves at 1.30 PM SHARP, and this time I mean EXTRA SHARP. The run has two essential runner/walker splits (2 and 1km respectively farther for runners) so that everybody will get back to the bins at about the same time. The circle will start as early as possible. The trail is a standard sized GZH3 run, therefore the circle has to be shortened, and swing-lowed around 5 PM to give hashers time to get showered and dressed before the party starts. The dress code is FORMAL. This is a beautiful, century-old tradition of the Guangzhou Hash and we aren’t going to change it.
When: Saturday, December 14 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Muffdiver and 00
What: 88% virginal hash
On On,
00
#1247 – The Best Hashvertisement Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
During the past few weeks the Awards Committee of the Guangzhou Hash has been busy identifying the various winners in more than 20 categories, including the ‘Up the @r$e Award’ for Shoeless Ho last Saturday. Now there is only one award left to give away, and that is the one for the ‘Best Hashvertisement of 2013’. It’s not an easy task to identify the best out of the 70 or so hashvertisements that were sent to you in 2013, but the committee members spared no pain to reach a fair and just decision. They read though all of them once again and late last night they finally announced that the winner is Double-0 for his hashvertisement from December 26, 2013. The committee praised it for its clarity of thought and the hilarious humor. And here it is:
Quote
Hashvertisement 1247 – The Best Hashvertisement Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Best Hash Ever!
When: December 28, 2013 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Circle Jerk & 00
On On,
00
Unquote
Congratulations, 00.
On On,
00
#1246 – The Compassionate Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
You know what they say, that you should always try to be a better person than the one you were a year earlier. The same principle applies to the Guangzhou Hash. We are constantly striving to find new and breath-taking trails, give wittier down downs, sing louder and swing lower. But never do we self-reflect more honestly than right after the Awards Ceremony. Traditionally held the week before the winter solstice it marks the end of the hashing season, and the start of an even greater year filled with fun and excitement. Naturally, this will be a very difficult task to achieve after so many fantastic hashes in 2013.
‘There’s a lot at stake for us these days’, explained a senior dicknitary of the Guangzhou Hash during last night’s Hash press conference. ‘Historically, the first trail of the virginal hashing season has always been a strong indicator for what can be expected from the remaining eleven point seven five months. It is therefore crucial that we’ll set the bar particularly high this Saturday. Or, to be blunt, we need nothing less than Another Best Hash Ever. Otherwise, I fear, we’ll first lose momentum and then the whole pack. And in the end not even the bus driver wants to show up anymore, and, frankly, no one could blame* him for that.’
‘Ok, let’s have Another Best Hash Ever then’, agreed the pack, because this is a very easy thing to agree with. But, of course, talk is cheap if it isn’t backed by hard facts, for instance names of prospective hares who are capable - and willing - to set a trail that deserves the label ‘Another Best Hash Ever’.
‘Certainly not that trash over there’, mentioned one insensitive hasher, disapprovingly glancing at a handful of pitiable hares in the freak corner. ‘Look at them, they drivel**, they drool, and they can barely hold up their beer glasses. How could they possibly hare another Best Hash Ever?’
‘Of course they can’t. These pathetic guys are wasted. Let’s dump them and get a bunch of new hares’, the pack cheered.
And they cheered and cheered for the hares-to-be until eventually the young and charming Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department called for attention.
‘As much as these hares disgrace themselves over there in their corner’, she said while one of them demonstrated his version of “Bang Forehead on Table”, ‘you should show some empathy for them. They have a disease, suffering from what we in the pseudo-medical field call a traumatic Hash addiction. Unlike you recreational hashers the regular hares are exposed to that hash stuff not just during the weekend. Some of them do it on a daily basis. After some time of hash abuse they just won’t function without it anymore. Or with it, for that matter. And as you can see, the effect on their behavior is shocki…’
‘Yes, yes, yes’, interrupted the senior dicknitary, impatiently waving away her comment, ‘enough of that touchy-feely talk. Let’s focus on the survival of the GZH3. Who is willing to becum our next savior? Who will ensure the future of the Guangzhou Hash? Which one of you is going to be the hare on Saturday? Anyone?’
And after a while again, more hesitantly now, ‘Anyone? Anyone at all?... C’mon people, there must be someone? I mean, I’d definitely do it but I have a dozen excuses. Well, at least I could cum up with a dozen if you’d push.’
The air at the Mango Bar had becum heavy, and very thick of embarrassment, anyone with a sharp knife could have easily sliced it. Some hashers who tried to keep themselves busy so that they wouldn’t be asked to hare on Saturday had already started to drag the hares out of the bar to dispose of them. Still, no one came forward to save the Hash.
Then, when no one had expected any volunteers anymore, a meek and muffled voice could be heard from the rubbish bin.
‘Can …. do …. Est …. Bash …. Hever …. can do …. no …. problem … do every …. thing … for hash…’
‘No way’, objected Ms. Mi Tuhai when she realized that quite a number of hashers had quickly gotten familiar with the intriguing idea. ‘This is downright irresponsible. I’d rather have any of them in the dumpster than see them hare again.’
But once an idea gets stuck in the collective mind of the GZH3 it’s hard to get it out of there again. And so the crowd started to cheer again, but this time it was for the junkie hares who, by now, were all being dragged back into the Mango Bar. Not even Ms. Mi Tuhai could withstand this wave of pure exaltation. But, being a woman, she of course had to have the last word.
‘Alright then, let him hare again, but only under the condition that he is accompanied by two very fit hashers. The danger of him overdosing is imminent and if he gets a seizure out in the woods we’ll probably wish that we had better left him in the dumpster.’
These sympathetic words sent out another wave of overwhelming affection for the old hares through the Mango Bar, and it wasn’t until long when two hashers rose up and announced to junkie-sit*** the drooling hare.
So cum and witness true compassion.
When: Saturday, December 21, 2013 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Sleeping Beauty, Gorf & 00
On On,
00
*very unlike last Saturday when we in fact could and also did blame the driver for not showing up, or, to be precise, for not showing up on the only day of the year when leaving sharp on time was imperative. Anyway, in the end it all played out in a hollywoodesque fashion. The Hash Cash was able save enough money on transportation to pay for another half keg of imported German Beer at the Wunderbar, and thus keep the drinkers drinking a bit longer last Saturday night. Well done, Thumbleprints!!!
**some claim they heard fragments of an ancient and barbaric German out of that gibberish, but others say that that was Dutch.
***this should not be taken literally, but junkie-walking or junkie-co-haring just don’t sound as good as junkie-sitting.
November & December 2013
#1243 – The Thanksgiving Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Since it is Thanksgiving the motto of this week’s run naturally has to be ‘The Thanksgiving Hash’. But the mismanagement has decided to continue on its revolutionary path* and decreed Thanksgiving to December 14th, 2013 @ 7.30 PM, when the Guangzhou Hash says thanks to itself by hosting a heavily subsidized party for all of us good hashers. So, thanks to us again and welcome. But that’s not all. In the purest of revolutionary spirits we even deny calling it ‘The Thanksgiving Party’, and call it ‘The Annual Awards Ceremony’ instead**.
We are also doing that because this year’s original Thanksgiving Day didn’t start as what one would describe as thanksgivingly. It was supposed to become a peaceful hash press conference at which hopeful hares were to joyfully compete for the honor to set the highly prestigious last hash of the season***. Instead it got really messy, especially after midnight when the Thanksgiving festivities officially kicked off. Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department was so busy attending to the wounded, she could hardly attend to the free beer that the hash keeps coming for her****.
And then it all started to turn really sour when one thwarted hare suggested foul-play.
‘It’s scandalous. Why does my knee still hurt although I took it easy and spent the last two hashes at the beer stops rather than on the trail?’ demanded a very agitated Cum Cannon to know, and continued without waiting for anyone’s reply, ‘And now my co-hare is also complaining about pain in her knees. Is this a coincidence? Well, I don’t believe in coincidences. If you ask me, something is very rotten in the state of Denmark.’
That last remark didn’t go down very well with Pussywhipped, who argued that someone who lived in a glass house shouldn’t throw stones. To which Cum Cannon replied that people in his native home of Syria wouldn’t live in the glass age anymore and were already perfectly capable to make houses of stone.
This childish nonsense went on until a resolute Ms. Mi Tuhai finally curbed the sudden outbreak of violence by drawing the attention to the real scandal.
‘You men always think the world is only revolving around you and your pathetic little problems when in reality it revolves around Daphne and hers. But none of you wannabe gentlemen even bothered to listen to her story or to console her aching knees’, she said, taking her comforting hands off of the source of Daphne’s pain. ‘Everyone in here can learn a lot from her story, so show some hash respect and listen up. Poor Daphne is suffering from a condition that is known in medical circles as crumbly cartilage. A lot of runners still think that if they just drink enough water during the run it can prevent them from catching it. But cartilage is not as frugal as people always claim so airily. It’s picky. It wants more than just boring water, no matter how distilled, otherwise it will eventually go brittle. Daphne ran the Guangzhou Marathon Hash last week instead of the real Guangzhou Hash. She told me that the organizers of the Marathon Hash failed to even set up a single beer stop although the trail was surely long enough to justify at least half a dozen of ‘em, and certainly much longer than she had expected when registering for the damn thing. I think this failure of the Marathon Hash organizers is reckless. Beer is the ideal and, according to science, the only effective cartilage lubricant. Beer stops should therefore always be an essential part of every run. Remember, happy cartilage needs beer! Cheers.’
After this inspiring speech we only had to find another team of hares who are able to set the best hash of 2013, with a medicinal beer stop. And so we did.
Who: Himalaya, Circle Jerk and 00
When: Saturday, November 30, 2013 @ 1PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
What: A Virgin Hash
On On,
00
PS: A lot of people asked ‘And how about the turkey?’ Well, we won’t see the turkey but we will meet his cousin, the cock, and a lot of his playmates.
PPS: The mismanagement of the real Guangzhou Hash would like to emphasize that we aren’t supporting reckless behavior. Not only do we provide beer stops, but also a disclaimer at the bottom of every hashvertisement to keep us safe from legal hassle. Read it.
*which has already blessed us with these darn ever-changing meeting times, and not to forget the extension of the Oktoberfest season until Christmas or, possibly, indefinitely.
** Tickets are available for 200 RMB with Thumbleprints at the Gold Mango Bar on Saturday. Hashers with 500+ runs on the Guangzhou Hash are FREE!!! Yes, the Guangzhou Hash cares for its veterans.
***it is so prestigious because it is the last hash that will be considered for the awards. If you set the best hash of the year already in January or February no one except for you will remember it in December anymore. The collective hash memory has erased it already. Some claim that this strangely coincides with the fun-fact that it’s usually a November hash that wins.
****I suspect that the free beer is the real reason why she is still attending our hash press conference every week. Sometimes I even wonder whether she is a real employee of the Health Department or, for that matter, real at all.
#1241 – The Revisionist Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Meet at 1PM - leave at 1.30PM
一点钟见面，一点半出发
The sleep-in faction on the Guangzhou Hash has grown considerably stronger over the course of the last week. After an unexpected calling for a long late-night shift last Friday night even our Religious Advisor and Harerazor changed sides when it eventually dawned on them that one also has to get up an hour earlier if one desires to drink an hour earlier. To cut a long story short, after strenuous and humiliating negotiations during the final seconds before the circle last Saturday the different factions finally came up with something that is typically used as a euphemism for the least viable option: a compromise. It is for good reason that a lot of admirable people despise them, but as crazy as it may sound, this one might just work out fine for the Guangzhou Hash.
So, here’s the deal. In future, we’ll meet at 1 PM at the Mango Bar and the bus leaves at 1.30 PM sharp, and i.e. uber-sharp. The sleep-in faction can sleep half an hour longer, and the early-drinking faction can enjoy their first beer half an hour earlier, hence, everybody wins. This really makes a whole lot of sense if you don’t think about it.
In order to celebrate the restoration of peace on the Guangzhou Hash the mismanagement has entrusted the GM and the AssGm to set The Best Hash Ever*. However, in order to pursue this sweetest of all delicate tasks the two are in dire need of further assistance, but have luckily already found it in someone whose hash name already suggests extensive mountaineering experience under what one can only imagine to be extremely harsh conditions.
When: Saturday, November 16, 2013 @ 1PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Circle Jerk and 00, featuring Himalaya
What: The Revisionist Hash
On On,
00
*It is unfortunate for the hares that ‘The Best Hash Ever’ is not an award category at our Annual Hash Dinner on December 14th. ‘The Best Hash Ever’ is a highly esteemed but only honorary title for the best hash of all times and in the whole universe. Some people claim that it is for this reason that the memory of ‘The Best Hash Ever’ always gets lost in time and space so quickly. Others think that this is utter bullshit because ‘The Best Hash Ever’ is always the one that you are on right that moment. While this may be the case for the Guangzhou Hash this cannot be said for many other hashes. But whoever is right, it is also commonly known that ‘The Best Hash Ever’ does not necessarily have to also be ‘The Best Hash of the Year’.
