Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
May & June 2015
Hashvertisement #1326 - The Corruption Free Hash
Ladies & Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
As you know!
The events at FIFA during the last week have been tumultuous for the footballing and the sporting world in general. Allegations of corruption amongst government officials and dodgy payments made to senior members of FIFA have been rife through out all of the worlds’ media. However, many of the grass roots footballing fans were left questioning why it took the FBI so long to figure this one out? As even the most ardent knuckle dragging low intelligent terrace hooligans amongst us have known about the endemic corruption within football for years. (Please no jokes about the American Intelligence being a contradiction in terms, this is serious)
In light of the recent corruption allegations surrounding FIFA, GZ Mismanagement decided there was a real need to call for an EGBM (Extraordinary General Beer Meeting) this week. Questions were asked about the Guangzhou Hash’s exposure to such allegations should they be made by the FBI in the near to distant future? Many of you may be asking why such concerns are held by our Mismanagement as we: 1) Live in China the most corruption free country in the world and 2) are a drinking club with a running problem not a running club with a drinking problem.......Council for the prosecution: “Your Honour, I present the first witness Hello Sailor, Your Honor the case for the prosecution rests".
Well as you know, in recent weeks Guangzhou was given the honor of being awarded the 15th ever China Nash Hash next year. We at the Guangzhou hash all know that this is thoroughly deserved as we are the best hash in China, with the best hares, the best trails, the friendliest hashers and almost the best beer. But, could mismanagement prove the award was made without dodgy payments to shady officials in dark corners of KTV and massage parlors? There have after all been reports of many false trails that mysteriously lead in and out of such places in recent weeks and months.
Tensions were so high in the Gold Mango Bar that our much beloved GM stood up and emphatically said that he would crush any corruption on the GZ Hash like a British tank can crush a German car.
Our official record keeper the Hash Trash, stood up and said “Believe me it is with great relief to the GZ Mismanagement team that Sepp Blatter has finally accepted his "fucked off chash" as we were beginning to think that Soggy Biscuits’ all time record number of 999 “fuck off hashes” was in real danger of being broken. This is something that we just could not be allowed to happen and would have resulted in drastic action being taken”. What that action would have been was lost in the shouts of “More Beer, More Beer” from the braying audience.
Next up, the Hash Cash categorically stated that “There are no records what so ever kept of any monetary transactions taking place on the GZ hash and certainly none cleared through New York and in USD$”. In fact the Hash Cash bemoaned that amount of money being collected each week rarely made enough to pay the bus driver these days due the current levels of excessive beer consumption being observed. But with the Germans, Dutch, Americans and French all trying to compete with Hello Sailor on beer consumption she saw no way that we would ever have enough money to place in a Swiss bank account anyway. “The only way for us to come back into profit would be for Hello Sailor to get a job”. She also went on to say that this could also be why the bus keeps breaking down as without paying the bus driver he can’t afford the maintenance bills after each hash.
Anyway that brings us to this week’s Hash.
What we can guarantee
1) It is absolutely corruption free and your 50 RMB will be spent on the bus or beer.
2) We will meet 13:00 (1 PM) at the Gold Mango Bar
3) The bus departs 13:30 (1:30 PM) for Panyu Dishuiyan Forest Park
4) Route is A to B
5) Walker, easy runner and shiggy runner trials.
5) Restaurant is at the B point.
6) Hares – Hello Sailor, Bone Dry & Little Semen
7) It will be the best hash in Guangzhou this Saturday.
We cannot guarantee this
The weather, the bus making to or back from the run site and your safety ………………..
On On
Hashvertisement # 1328 – The Summer Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Summer is just around the corner and for us from the Guangzhou Hash this can only mean long trails with steep up-hills and no shade. Let’s hope that at least the beer won’t be so very warm again during the circle.
When: Saturday, June 20, 2015
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: GM and ex-GM.
What: Mismanagement guaranteed
On On,
00
Hashvertisement #1329 – Born on the Fourth of July Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
When the brave Hares were scouting the deep jungle terrain of Guangzhou this past week, they channeled their inner Tom Cruise. On a mission from the ghost of former President Lyndon B. Johnson himself, they slashed through the jungle with their machetes, got bombarded with relentless shiggy, searched for the location of the best beer stop of 2015, and liberated the poor, downtrodden virgin trail from her communist captors. Victory came at a steep price: our brave Hares were bruised, bloodied, and nearly wheelchair bound by the end.
Now it is up to you, fellow Hashers, to relive the Battle for the Guangzhou Virgin Trail and come celebrate the adoption of the Declaration of Independence with your favorite American Hashers. During this battle, we can promise honor, glory, and the satisfaction that the communist sphere of influence will not hold sway on our soon to be defloured virgin trail. America…Fuck Yeah!
When: Saturday, June 27th, 2015
Where: Gold Mango Bar, Taojin MTR Exit B
Hares: Three Inches of Pain, Turtle Head, Scratch ‘N Sniff, and Itchy Britches
What: Uncle Sam Wants You
P.S. Be prepared to bring shaggy socks.
Hashvertisement # 1325 – The Drastic Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Our recent attempts to save the poor orphans from being sold into prostitution or slavery have failed gloriously thanks to the bad weather conditions as well as a severe lack of enthusiasm on the donors’ side. We can either accept our failure or we come up with some more drastic measures.
During an emotional hash press conference at the Gold Mango Bar late last night the mismanagement of the Guangzhou Hash has declared that failure isn’t an option and ordered the US and Syrian forces on the Guangzhou Hash to do what they do best, which is to fight side by side against barbarism and cruelty.
If you want to help them make this world a better place then bring some extra cash to the Gold Mango Bar and hand it over to Thumbleprints.
When: Saturday, May 30, 2015 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Cum Cannon and Scratch ‘n Sniff
Beer Stop: Himalaya and Itchy Britches
On On,
00
Hashvertisement # 1324 – The Fifth Horseman Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Of course, everyone knows the 4 Horsemen, Death, War, Pestilence, and Frigidity, but did you know that these apocalyptic riders also have younger brothers? Oh yes, they are called the 4 Hash Horsemen, and they go by the names of Shitty Trail, Warm Beer, Lame Down Down, and Chewy Country Chicken. However, a lot of people think that there is a fifth Hash Horseman who is even worse. He is known as Red Dress Miser and he penetrated our hash last Saturday leaving us with an embarrassingly small amount of donations for the poor orphans and the prospect of getting mugged as soon as the little devils are old enough to hold a butterfly knife.
Therefore, the mismanagement has decided to accept further donations this Saturday. Bring all the money that you have to the Mango Bar and hand it over to Thumbleprints. The orphans will thank you.
When: Saturday, May 23, 2015 @ 1PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Pearl and Hunkaspunk
On On,
00
#1323 - The Red Dress Hash 2015
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
A few years ago, "In The Red" published an article on the Red Dress Hash tradition. Unlike the magazine, the article is a timeless piece of art that does not only tell you everything there is to know about the event, but also offers you a close look into the very soul of the Hash.
I use it as this week's hashvertisement and hope that you can learn as much from it as I could when I first made it up. Like in previous years the Guangzhou Hash will support the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong which makes sure that fewer poor kids end up on the streets of Guangzhou and Dongguan.
On a hot and humid day in May, a local TV station aired an interview with the elderly Mrs. Wong, who had just returned from the Long Yan Dong reservoir, where she fetches fresh spring water.
‘I had finished my break, and was carrying my bamboo pole with the water containers hanging from it,’ the visibly annoyed woman reported to the instigative journalist on the scene, ‘when I heard a noise coming from the undergrowth. A few moments later, two large and hairy gweilos broke through the bushes, sweating like pigs, and gooey flour smeared all over their bodies and faces. Even more terrifying though was the fact that they were wearing red evening dresses, which didn’t even fit them. They looked at me with a mad grin and…to my great relief…spared me…and then set off. I felt it was safer to let them get a bit away from me and so I sat down again. But…oh no…I hadn’t even shut my mouth yet, when all hells broke loose. Forty or so of the red cross-dressers appeared, shouting something unintelligible… obscenities I presume…that sounded like ‘On On’, or’ Ice the Hares!’ Later though, I was told that these creatures were not dangerous, but merely wanted to play. Go figure…!!!’
What happened to the indignant Mrs. Wong happens to many unaware residents, every time the Guangzhou Hash House Harriers celebrate their Annual Red Dress Run. The flamboyant red dresses and costumes that the hashers wear to show off are certainly worth staring at. Even though the Ladies of the Hash have worked very hard on their outfits – this is the one day of the year when the men dominate the Hash fashion, and the air in the circle is filled with their giggling and excited high-pitched chattering. One of the hares, still wearing his gooey red pajamas, is now carrying a cute orange parasol. Another hasher, a 100kg man, is wearing a ballerina skirt, his bushy leg hair sticking out through bright red stockings. Two guys, who got the same red blouse that had been on sale at their favorite factory outlet on Zhanxi Lu, start a cat fight, while a stocky hasher begins to feel claustrophobic in a sexy red top an unknown girl left in his apartment a few years ago. It’s the same top he had already worn in previous years, and year after year the sexy top seems to have shrunk. Now it’s about four sizes too small for this rather large fellow. Others make suggestive remarks about the proud wearer of a slutty shine-through negligee, and whistle after a young local hasher who is dressed in a traditional, figure-hugging red qipao. Like everyone else here, he, too, is hopeful to be voted for Best Red Dressed Hasher.
No one knows where the ancient Hash tradition of running in red dresses originates, except of course Wikipedia. Nevertheless, for real hashers this event isn’t only about showing off, or startling the locals, or ridiculing ourselves…it is foremost a charity event. As such the Red Dress Run is celebrated by many Hash Kennels around the world. Like in previous years, the Hash is going to support the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong, an organization run by dedicated volunteers who provide the unfortunate children with food, clothes, study material and much more.
Back in the circle, towards the end, the stocky hasher with a sexy top from the now forgotten girl wins the contest for Best Red Dressed Hasher - as he has in previous years. The crowd cheered - or shrieked - louder for him than for any other contestant. The losers respectfully bow their heads to the victor, and pray that the darn top won’t fit him anymore next year.
But until that next Red Dress Hash, our boys will be boys again, and most of our girls won’t be mistaken for cheap whores when they hit the bars in town, after just another Best Hash Ever.
The Red Dress Hash is on May 16th. If you want to join the fun, please obey ancient hash customs and wear a red dress. As usual the run fee is 50 RMB, but bring a bit more if you want to help children in need.
When: May 16, 2015 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Cum Cannon and Three Inches of Pain
What: Red Dress and charity run
今年的“红裙子慈善跑”，我们选择把募捐款项和您的爱心捐助给广东公益恤孤助学会，资助孤贫学生。
广东公益恤孤助学会是依法成立的民间慈善团体，核心业务是无偿资助孤贫学生上学。
助学会全部资金来自海内外民间捐赠，所有捐款100%用于慈善事业，所有行政费用由理事单位另外提供。工作人员除八名是受薪的专职人员外，另有过千名在册工作的志愿者。
助学会成立时向社会公开承诺：
● 所有捐款和物资全部用于符合本会章程、宗旨的慈善性公益事业。
●财务收支完全公开，欢迎和接受捐赠人、社会各界人士、新闻媒体和政府主管部门查询、检查、监督。
● 本会不从事任何营利性经营活动，确保所有捐款的安全。
● 本会领导不领取工资、津贴等任何报酬。
成立时给捐赠人公开信：欢迎“在任何时候，可以在事先不通知我们的情况下，前来查询、审核和指导，我们将提供全部资料和工作方便。
网址：http://www.oesgd.org.cn/
On On,
00
Hashvertisement # 1322 - The Short Pussy Hash
Those of you in attendance at last week’s Labor Day weekend hash can attest to the trail’s great length and hardness. Unfortunately, this week’s hares also attended expecting to enjoy a pleasant walker’s trail. When there was none they found themselves completely exhausted and without the energy this week to find a trail of sufficient length and hardness as is deserving of the Guangzhou Hash (it does, however, have girth). So, unlike last week’s hash there is no runner’s trail. But, like last week’s hash there is no walker’s trail either. This week on the Guangzhou Hash, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a Short and Boring Pussy trail. No viewpoints, no changes in scenery, no dogs, and certainly no pools… just a short dry monotonous trail. So cum this weekend to prove once and for all that length doesn’t matter!
When: May 9, 2015 @ 1PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Turtlehead and Thomas*
*the one from Becky and Thomas
Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash #107 – The Dutch Liberation Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
It’s been 70 years since the German army liberated Holland. Reason enough for two Dutchies to celebrate this important National Day with an even more important Full Moon Hash.
When: Tuesday, May 5, 2015 @ 7.30PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Hunkaspunk and Red Light Strict Dick
On On,
00
Hashvertisement #1321 - The Perfect Lover Hash
Finding the perfect trail is like finding the perfect lover. We often look loooong and haaaard to find her while, unbeknownst to us, she’s lied waiting to be taken in a familiar and nearby location all along. After a tireless search that saw the hares scour every massage parlor and sauna from Baiyun[1] to Panyu[2] and every opium den and whorehouse from Haizhu[3] to Dongguan[4], the perfect lover....errr, cough cough....the perfect trail has been found.
Now some may say that the perfect lover is a naive and innocent virgin waiting to be plucked from her hallowed pedestal. In much the same way, some say that the perfect hash trail is a serene, untouched, challenging trail laid down by the Hash Gods to be defloured on a glorious Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately, folks, we are in China. So much like a Guangzhou hasher must often settle for a Somali hooker or Cave Bar waitress on Saturday night[5], the hares have chosen a trail with a little more experience and tricks up her sleeve.
Rest assured, dear Hashers, this perfect trail will have her own unmolested and virginal parts, too. Despite her sordid past, this trail has some unexplored and mysterious places that she is waiting to share with a hasher like you. With a little bit of luck and effort, you might be the first hasher to cum through and discover her secrets[6]...
This trail...like a shy, but insatiable lover...has been quietly calling “take me!!!”
Fear not, ladies and gentleman...for the Guangzhou Hash will answer her call this Saturday.
What: Guangzhou Hash Run #1321
Hares: Cum Cannon & Three Inches of Pain
Where: Gold Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
When: 1:00PM, Saturday May 2nd.
[1] The hares would like to thank Jelly Baby for sharing his extensive knowledge of massage parlors, saunas, whorehouses, and saunas in Baiyun.
[2] The hares would like to thank Hello Sailor for sharing his extensive knowledge of massage parlors, saunas, whorehouses, and saunas in Panyu.
[3] The hares would like to thank Constipation for sharing his extensive knowledge of massage parlors, saunas, whorehouses, and saunas in Haizhu.
[4] The hares would like to thank Snot for sharing his extensive knowledge of massage parlors, saunas, whorehouses, and saunas in Dongguan.
[5] The hares would like to...again...thank Jelly Baby for his extensive knowledge of Somali hookers and Cave Bar waitresses.
[6] Gorf is in Chiang Mai, so your chances of doing the deflouring are slightly increased this week.
