Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
#1254 - The Global Warming Hash
Dear Guangzhou Hashers,
We will run this week to thank all the people that worked LONG & HARD to make Global Warming possible. For the first time ever we are able to enjoy warm weather at Chinese New Year making it finally a bit bearable. To mark this unprecedented achievement in the history of mankind the Hares will organize the first annual New Year’s Dive in the swimming pool at point B!!!
So get on that old Hash bus this Saturday, which as you know has a higher carbon footprint than the whole of Mao Feng Shan can ever compensate for, to celebrate Global Warming at the side of a swimming pool with a cold beer in your hand at Chinese New Year!!!
(or you don’t cum and have another dinner with relatives who you are happy not to have to see them the rest of the year…)
Further details:
When/Where: meet at Mango Bar at 1:00PM this Saturday
Hares: Hunkaspunk & Constipation
The run: Long/Short option
Dinner: at Point B
ONON!!
Constipation
#1255 – The Rehab Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
AS YOU KNOW, the massive drop in temperatures in Guangzhou got triggered by our Religious Advisor himself when he so carelessly auctioned off the position of stand-in RA to the highest bidder one week ago. Until today we are all still suffering from the disrespect he showed to the local weather gods, and not only since a cheeky hasher loudly demanded to skin and stake him Hunkaspunk had cum to the conclusion that painting rosy pictures of the not so distant future would be his best - and probably only - bet to live to the end of the hash press conference at the Mango Bar last night.
‘I admit to have underestimated how capricious these divinities can be’, he explained to the furious pack. Despite the cold he was sweating. ‘However, I have been spending the last week wisely, soothing them on a daily basis with at least a double dosage of sacred beer. The temperatures will therefore once again, rise in fact so much that it’ll even be worth waiting for the ice man* on Saturday should he be late again.’
It did the trick. ‘Alright then’, the cheeky hasher said leniently, ‘I believe in second chances. So let’s skip the skinning. But the mismanagement’d better please us with a mind-blowing trail.’
That was Constipation’s catchword. ‘A lot of you guys announced to go scouting during the holidays. The weather was perfect, so I assume there is no shortage of great hashes during the next weeks. Tonight, now, we will let the pack decide who shall receive the honor to be the hare this Saturday, and on the following weekends. So please step forward and introduce your trails to everyone before we vote’, the ever fearless Harerazor declared solemnly. ‘Don’t be shy, just step forward. Or if you are shy just raise your hand. Just a tiny little bit wuld be fine. Anyone ….. anyone at all … maybe someone there in the back row? No? Also not there, no? Really no one???’
The cheeky hasher was the first to interrupt the by now awkward muttering. ‘Didn’t you remind these guys to go scouting? Didn’t you realize that you have to push them every single day if you want them to do shit for you?’ he asked the Harerazor in a grave voice, shaking his head in disbelief. Then he turned to speak to the pack. ‘Hashers, thanks to these two we have to deal with shitty weather and no hares on Saturday. I say they screwed it up, so they’ve got to fix it. Let them be the hares.’
No need mentioning that this suggestion instantly got approved by the pack, and with an exceptionally long cheering. After all, we’d all appreciate getting a second chance when in need of one, wouldn’t we? Find out whether Constipation and Hunkaspunk will be able to make good use of theirs.
When: Saturday, February 15, 2014 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
On On,
00
*A surprisingly successful follow up to the ‘rosy-picture’ strategy is the subtle ‘point-at-other-screw-ups-especially-at-those-who-aren’t-there-to-defend-themselves-and-if-they-were-still-couldn’t-because-of-their-lack-of-English’ strategy.
#1253 – The Red Panties Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
‘We will have a bus on Saturday’, announced a thrilled hare during last night’s hash press conference, and upon hearing such news one might have expected grateful cheering from the pack at the Mango Bar. But there’s always one dark HORSE in every herd, and ours ruined the moment when he commented loud and indignantly ‘And if wishes were HORSES, beggars would ride. No, no, don’t believe a word of what the hare says, that’s all just HORSE droppings, that’s what it is. The mismanagement never organizes a bus on Chinese New Year because it is too cheap to pay the holiday bonus for the driver.’
It took a while for the hare to make himself heard again over the commotion. ‘If I were you I wouldn’t bet on the wrong HORSE’, he vividly warned the pack. ‘We’ve found a breath-taking trail, virginal and all. The up-hills are so easy they’ll make the down-hills seem difficult. You really don’t want to miss this one.’
‘It certainly won’t need any wild HORSES to drag me there on Saturday,’ an enthusiastic hasher agreed exuberantly. ‘The weather is perfect, and there is simply nothing better to do than to hang out with the hash crowd. Unless, of course, you’ll have your in-laws in town. That’s a HORSE of a completely different color altogether. Then you’ll probably want to spend as much time as possible in their exhilarating company.’
Such a naïve statement can only come from a younger single male with absolutely no husbandly pre-condition, while more experienced members of our species generally consider any constellation that involves their apartment and their in-laws at the same time as the ultimate challenge, and any excuse, even the hash, is welcome to get the fudge out of the house. They are so grateful that they don’t even care whether there is a bus or not. They never complain because they know better than to look a gift HORSE in the mouth. They know that they don’t have to hold their HORSES during the circle; that they can eat as a HORSE at a fine restaurant, and then, when finally on the bus back to the city, even stop to see a man or two about a HORSE. And during all this time they can HORSE about as much as they wish.
I don’t want to beat a dead HORSE here, but I have to say it one more time: it really can’t get any better than this.
When: Saturday, February 1, 2014 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
What: A HORSE-shaped trail
Dinner: Take a wild guess
Hares: Cum Cannon & 00
Words of Wisdom from the Grand Master’s New Year’s address to the Hash:
“If you were born in the Year of the HORSE you’d better wear red panties on Saturday, otherwise the panty police will cum and get you.”
In this spirit On On,
00
#1256 – Sleeping Beauty’s Fuck-Off Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Once upon a time a confused spark of inspiration kissed awake a Sleeping Beauty and told him to get his ass out of bed and on a quest to pursue happiness. Shortly after, still barely able to see through squinted eyes, Sleeping Beauty stumbled into the Gold Mango Bar. He somehow made it onto the bus and through trail and circle, and ever since he was convinced that the Hash was his best shot at pursuing what he so dearly desired. He became a dedicated hasher, hare and dray, but eventually he sat down to think. He thought deep and he thought deeper*, until one day - yesterday - when he accidentally got struck by a foreign epiphany that’s currently in Guangzhou from Southern Europe as part of a cultural exchange program.
‘I’ve got it wrong all along’ exclaimed a distressed Sleeping Beauty while relentlessly slapping his palm against his forehead, ‘but I can see it now, the whole godsdamn truth. The Hash is a place of spiritual awakening where one learns to outshine oneself, and where one gets one’s head straightened out to get ready for new adventures. It is an essential milestone on the way to happiness, but it is not the place where happiness – at least not the ultimate happiness I am seeking – can be pursued**. To find that one has to move on, far away, to a place that listens to the name of Italy… Oh, Lords, it’s so obvious, I am an Italian. I know it with all my heart.’
After this moving revelation the mismanagement rendered the following verdict. Sleeping Beauty has to outshine himself one more time by haring another breath-taking trail for our distinguished Guangzhou Hash. In return, the mismanagement will grant him to live happily ever after.
When: Saturday, February 22, 2014 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Sleeping Beauty & flour bitch 00
What: The Brazitalian Hash
Food for thought:
-Sleeping Beauty has hared three times in the last 8 weeks. We need new hares to compensate for the ongoing dreadful hare drainage.
-Sleeping Beauty has almost made me forget how to appoint volunteers as drays. Almost.
-Think up good down downs for Sleeping Beauty. It’s the last chance you’ll get to get him drunk.
On On,
00
*Right at the bar of the Gold Mango. ‘How convenient’ you may say, and I would somewhat agree with you.
**The mismanagement of the Guangzhou Hash would like to emphasize that this is an isolated opinion of a single individual only. In case you are into this sort of thing, the Guangzhou Hash is without the shred of a doubt the one place to find ultimate happiness. Claiming anything else is highly misleading and in the best case grossly negligent.
January & February 2014
#1252 – The No Gentlemen Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
AS YOU KNOW, it’s a universal truth that German men are the text book gentlemen per se. So when Forest Hump read last week’s hashvertisement in which Angry Dragon got appointed to be an involuntary hare it came only naturally to him to step up and set a trail for her. As everyone can easily imagine Angry Dragon was most grateful for the noble offer. So grateful in fact that it took Forest half an hour to fend her off kissing his feet. She’d previously spent a couple of sleepless nights worrying about how to dodge the dreadful haring duty, and that was still the better option over having night mares about losing the entire pack on the trail or the trail itself or, worst of all, getting caught. After all, Angry Dragon is the current holder of the ‘Least Sex on the Hash’ award, and getting caught would seriously jeopardize her determined attempt to defend the title in 2014.
For a moment the crowd at the Mango Bar actually seemed to buy Forest Hump’s touching story, some hash-hardened runners even openly shedding a tear or two during last night’s hash press conference. But Forest was about to learn a lesson on the importance of covering your ass before you make up stuff. His wild construction of post-pubertal phantasies collapsed like a raggedly built house of cards on shaking ground in the midst of a tropical thunder storm when someone spotted Angry Dragon and dragged the terrified girl in front of the assembled Council of Mismanagers.
‘Speak!’ the Religious Advisor commanded her. ‘Is this hasher telling the truth?’
‘About German men being text book gentlemen?’
‘No, that’s a given. And there’s absolutely no need to question established scientific facts’, the Grand Master said, weighing in all his authority and thus curbing all further discussion on this issue. ‘I think the RA wants to know whether you can verify what Forest said about you.’
‘Oh, you mean that talk about me being determined to defend the “Least Sex on the Hash” award? Well, “determined” is probably the wrong word, “without option” would be more fitting. To give you a better idea why, I should probably get a bit more specific on prostatic dysfu…’
‘No, no, that won’t be necessary’, the Grand Master said hurriedly because the Religious Advisor seemed to develop a sudden interest in the direction the conversation was going, ‘just tell us whether Forest Hump offered taking over your haring duty.’
‘Yes, Forest Hump did offer it…’ Angry Dragon began, and the relieved pack instantly ordered beer for the rehabilitated text book gentleman. And when Forest finally sat on some hasher’s shoulders, a sponsored beer in each hand, Angry finished the sentence. ‘…but, of course, I turned him down.’
‘You did what?’ the Religious Advisor asked while signaling two of his loyal disciples to carefully remove the beer from Forest’s hand and then drag him, less carefully now, out into the dark back alley for further inquisitorial handling.
‘Well, I told him to bugger off. I told him I had everything sorted out. The trail, the circle spot, the flour bitches and the restaurant. But he just wouldn’t take no for an answer. First he got verbally abusive, all stamping and yelling, but AS YOU* KNOW that never has the desired effect on me. Then he tried begging and degrading himself. I only gave in when eventually he confessed to me that he and the co-hare recently sodo…’
‘So are you telling us that you have a run prepared and can hare on Saturday?’ the Harerazor interrupted.
‘If you consider yours and Forest’s run from last Saturday as good enough for the Guangzhou Hash, then yes, by all means, I can.’
When: Saturday, January 25, 2014 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Angry Dragon
Flour bitches: to be appointed
On On,
00
*The equation is simple: YOU=GM
PS: Good news for prospective hares: The hare line is totally empty. You can pick the date
#1249 & #1250 – The Hot Spring Hashes
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
The mismanagement of the Guangzhou Hash has been accused more times than I dare to remember for being nothing but a bunch of perfectionists. I fear that after the upcoming weekend these dreadful accusations will become even more regular. I say this with so much confidence because as one of the hares I know about the perfection of the trails, the hotel and the restaurants which are all guarantors for a great hash weekend. Now it’s up to you whether you also want to make this a perfect party. It surely helps that we have booked the three presidential suites with these large hot tubs in them which are made to fit 40+ people. Besides, for the ridiculously low fee of 250 RMB you will also get a great ride on the hash bus to the Hot Springs Village and back, a breath-taking trail on Saturday, dinner at a five hash stars restaurant, the mentioned hot tub party, a night in a shared hash hotel room, the chance for a breakfast followed by the amazing 1250th anniversary hash on Sunday and a delicious meal at the gorgeous terrace restaurant. As always, all drinks are included throughout the weekend. You’ll be back in GZ on Sunday in time for dinner.
We meet on Saturday, January 11, at 11.30 AM. The bus leaves at 12 sharp! Bring your own lunch. Also, bring your own breakfast. We will provide a stove, a pan and a toaster as well as cooking oil, salt and lajiaofen. You bring your own toast, eggs, bacon, sausage or whatever it is you fancy for breakfast and prepare it yourself. You can also bring a bit more food and share it with the others, but only if you want to become popular on the hash.
There are still tickets available. If you want to go with us reply to this mail as soon as possible. Otherwise the hotel might not have enough rooms for us!
Hares: Thumbleprints, Angry Dragon, Hunkaspunk, Circle Jerk and 00
On On,
00
#1248 – The Delighted Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
A very talented duo of hares has stepped forward to delight us on Saturday: Wee Willy and Sleeping Beauty have found the perfect trail and are convinced that this will even become the Best Hash of 2014 so far. Of course do we hope that they are right, since hope, as you know, dies last.
Gold Mango Bar on Saturday, January 4, 2014 @ 1 PM
