Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
# 1264 – The Shadows of the Past Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
For most of us the time spent on the Guangzhou Hash were the most formative years of our lives. It is here where we finally understand the meaning of life and discover the key to true happiness. However, at times life gets in the way of all this, and some hashers (the pitiable ones) have to move on to boring places. But just like in that famous hotel song: you can leave the Guangzhou Hash anytime you like, but you can never check out. You don’t believe me? Well, then please explain to me why Soggy Biscuit extended his current trip to China so that he can join another of our hashes before he goes back into his diaspora. But that’s not the only proof. Rather than going directly back to the US, Platterpuss is flying in from Germany on Thursday night, just in time for the Full Moon Hash, and so does Filthy Habits. Since the only reason for their being in Guangzhou is the hash, all of them will also run on Saturday. With so many former GZH3 dicknitaries in town even Black Sheep got permission to join us! How many more shadows from the past will we catch up with during the next few days? Cum and find out.
When: Saturday, April 12 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Hunkaspunk and Constipation
Or give it a shot tonight at the Full Moon Hash (7.30 PM, Exit D, Higher Education Mega Centre North St., Line 4). Bring a torch!
On On,
00
#1265 – The Resurrected Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
No one has ever claimed that hash press conferences are ideal events for overly delicate people who easily get worked up. That’s probably why we get so many of them week after week. However, last night it felt more like a funeral.
‘The Guangzhou Hash is dead! Our mismanagement crucified it on the altar of filthy lucre,’ an eloquent hasher and therefore natural born misfit fussed about last week’s events, when the second bus left the Mango at 2.90PM instead of 2PM. ‘Like this, we’re either going to lose too many people in the dark, or we’d have to shorten the trails, oh, and let’s not forget about these dreadfully circumsized circles that are over before they even started. And, yuck, the cold food and hurried dinners when-, sorry, if we finally make it to the restaurant. Folks, we have recently betrayed each and every single value the Guangzhou Hash was ever founded upon. We have sold out its very soul and slayed its spirit. I’d call this high treason if I weren’t a mismanager myself. I say, let’s get over with it and bury the GZH3 once and forever. It was grand while it lasted but it was too painful in the end. May the Guangzhou Hash rest in peace. Cheers and On Over to the other side.’
There were a few muffled “cheers” and “on overs” from the pack. The overall atmosphere was quite like what could be expected when someone dear was borne to the grave.
‘No, I can’t accept this,’ a Middle-Eastern looking man declared with a resoluteness in his voice that would even make the Grim Reaper reconsider. ‘We don’t have to let the Hash die.’
‘Can’t you listen? The Hash got crucified, so it’s already dead. And what is dead, stays dead. Forever. That’s how it works in this world.’
‘Where I cum from, resurrections, especially after crucifications, are actually fairly common. At least not unheard of,’ the Middle-Eastern hasher replied with a messianic smile on his face, and centuries later people shall maybe claim that in this very moment a halo started forming around his head. Maybe. But that’s another story that’d take a few centuries to tell. So, in order to cut the story shorter, this is what’s going to happen. TWO BUSES LEAVE AT 2PM SHARP. The hares are going to set an extraordinary trail with a swim spot at the A-point and another one at the B-point. So, girls and boys, don’t forget to bring your bikinis. But the best of all is that there is free Wi-fi at the B-point so that all of you proud smart phone owners can immediately post the news of the miraculous resurrection of the Guangzhou Hash into all corners of the globe.
Long live the Guangzhou Hash!
When: Saturday, April 19, 2014 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Circle Jerk and Cum Cannon
What: A Very Punctual Hash. Buses leave at 2 sharp!!!
On On,
00
# 1263 – The Conscious Denial Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
I am often being accused of standing in the way of change and of clinging on to GZH3 traditions too much. This is completely wrong. In fact, I like to see myself as the most revolutionary Grand Master of the Guangzhou Hash ever. To remind you of my achievements:
Already during my very first mismanagement meeting I suggested to replace the blue night pots with different vessels. Ok, everyone else on the mismanagement team voted against me*, but I think this episode is exemplary for my early revolutionary spirit. Later on I experimented with ’Swing Low’ and the reason why we switched back to always singing the original version is because it is by far the best one. I also changed the meeting and bus departure time despite fierce resistance from the influential sleep-in faction on the Guangzhou Hash. I admit, the time has been revised recently, but I am not giving up the fight, I merely put it on hold. I am optimistic that sometime later this year another window of opportunity might open to re-revise it. I also successfully introduced a bus load of songs to the GZH3 circle. Well, if you must ask, only one finally stuck, the good old ‘Flat Chested’, but that is a very traditional hash song. And has anyone heard ‘Alouette’ recently? No? Me neither, not since Furry Thing and Swinging Tits left us. That was a good GZH3 tradition that we let vanish, wasn’t it? That’s why I asked the mismanagement for permission to revive ‘Alouette’ during the next few weeks. If this is not truly revolutionary then I don’t know what revolu-… What? To revive a lost tradition isn’t revolutionary? Quite the contrary, you say? Damn, do all my achievements really just boil down to ‘Flat Chested’ then? Not even to that one??? Am I in reality a traditionalist? No, that can’t be true. I’d rather live in conscious denial than to accept that. So, in order to reassure myself that the GZH3 under my Grand Mastership is open to change* we are going to introduce an entirely new and truly revolutionary haring concept to our hash.
And this is how it works: The mismanagement will purchase enough flour for a decent trail and give it to the first two hashers who volunteer to set an instant hash. When the Harerazor picks the volunteers he will probably look out for good runners. Strictly no excuses accepted, so be prepared.
When: Saturday, April 5, 2014 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
On On,
00
*A lot of people asked me why I am not just getting a second opinion. To tell the truth, I am not a big fan of second opinions because they mess with my mind. However, I fear I cannot escape from one this Saturday. Our distinguished GZH3 Life Member** Soggy Biscuit is in town and he will certainly share his view on this topic, whether I like it or not.
**What is a Life Member and how can I become one? Well, strictly speaking Life Members are free loaders. They run for free. You can get one by haring at least 100 GZH3 runs and then moving away from Guangzhou. It’s extremely exclusive.
click here to find the Conscious Denial Hash on the map
March & April 2014
#1266 - The Crushing Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
AS YOU KNOW, a lot of people thing that I am completely insensitive but that’s not always true. When last Saturday someone came up to me and told me straight into the face that the GZH3 trails suck even I noticed a slight whiff of resentment. Of course, I immediately ignored him, but last night during the hash press conference a theMango Bar this resentment eventually made way for a fully-fledged mutiny against the regualt hares, when an exorbitantly cocky hasher accused them of being nothing but a bunch of free loaders*.
‘We recently had two trails that very much resembled those used during the Prelube weekend. Why do we let them hare week after week if they cannot cum up with anything new? Why won’t any other hasher get a chance to what’s in ‘em?’
‘Exactly my point,’ another angry hasher agreed. ‘I am not any longerwilling to subsidize theirboozing with my 50 kuai. Last week we only had 30% of virgin trails, the rest was a recent trail set backwards. How pathetic is that!? I don’t know how they managed to build their haring monopoly** in the first place, but I say let’s crush it once and for all. Iam sure we have a lot of candidate with good ideas for trails: suppressed hashers who’d love to scout and hare if only given the opportunity. After all, the Guangzhou Hash is supposed to be a place where everyone is allowed to contribute, and not just a few privileged people, isn’t it? Hells, I would hare myseolf if my girl friend weren’t menstruating on Saturday again. You know, I am always too grumpy to hare during these couple of weeks.’
This inspirational speech was met with loud cheers from the pack and, naturally, more calls for beer, preferably of the free kind.
‘But, um, …’ the Harerazor – himself one of the accused regular hares – tried to object.
‘You can stuff your “but, ums…” wherever they please you most, but, u, get this: You guys are expired. You are just too 2013. We want new trails, and you simply can’t deliver good results anymore.’
‘Alright, I admit defeat,’ the Harerazor gave in, but, um, if it’s not us and not you and not your girl-friend who will be the hare on Saturday?’
The angry hasher looked really annoyed now. ‘Aren’t you the Harerazor? Do you want me to this job for you, too?’ After a brief pause which he added solely for dramatic purpose he turned to the pack. ‘Alright, then. Which one of you fine hashers is going to hare on Saturday?’
Those of you who are familiar with the dynamics of our hash press conferences probably have a pretty good idea of what happens whenever this question is being asked. The pub falls quiet, even the music mysteriously ceases to play, and people begin to inspect the tips of their shoes, or pretend to reply an urgent SMS that requires their undivided attention. Since many regular participants of the hash press conference anyway consider this moment to the be the right one to excuse themselves the obligatory queue in front of the urinals started to form much faster than usual, and it was also much longer. Everybody at the Gold Mango must have instinctively felt that the stakes were extraordinarily high this time.
Then the angry hasher did what intelligent people have done in such situations throughout history. He appointed volunteers who, for whatever reason can’t object. In this case this was owed to the fact that the hares weren’t present and therefore didn’t have the faintest idea that they had just been awarded the honor to become the new Adam and Eve*** of an entirely new haring culture on the Guangzhou Hash.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash, be there when hash history is written
When: Saturday, April 26, 2014 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Wee Willy and No Pussy
If you want to be part of the rebirth of a proper haring culture on the GZH3, talk to Constipation. He even accepts preset trails nowadays, that’s how desperate he is looking for new hares. And don’t you worry: no matter what happens, the good old tradition of hares getting laid will remain an integral part of the new haring culture.
On On,
00
*Actually, this is one of the few true accusations on the GZH3. Up to two hares run for free. On top, the hares can claim back up to 300 RMB for taxi and flour expenses, which makes haring an incredibly lucrative undertaking for some. You should try it, too. Our Harerazor Constipation will do his best to reserve a spot for you, for example next week.
**Technically speaking, this term is not quite correct. The angry hasher was referring to five regular hares which would make it a haring oligarchy rather than a monopoly. No one gave a shiv though.
***As you know, Adam and Eve are known for being the main protagonists of the first reported in the history of tenancy law. To refresh your memory, they got evicted from their state-of-the-art home in a posh place with the promising name “The Paradise”. Apparently, the frivolous couple kept an exotic pet, but weren’t capable of containing it in a species-appropriate environment****, aka a terrarium. In the contrary, they even shared their meals with the free-roaming beast (a snake, if I am not mistaken) during which all three of them held lengthy philosophical discussions. But that is just hearsay, and, AS YOU KNOW, I despise gossip from the bottom of my heart, and there’s anyway no doubt that these two half-naked***** hippies were permanently high as a kite during their stay at “The Paradise”, or why would they talk to a snake? Why would anyone at all talk to a snake, for gods sakes? It wasn’t even a sheep. And if it had been a sheep the conversation had never gotten philosophical. It never does with sheep, although I admit that we get our share of Kiwis and Aussies who tend to believe otherwise. However, let’s get back to the story. Eventually Adam and Eve got kicked out of their dream home for somehow messing up in a really creepy way. Therefore several concerned hashers asked whether I would be so kind as to use a different allegory, because this one might be considered by some as a bad omen for the cumming of the new haring culture! Sorry, but, um, I can’t. I am strictly against censoring my own hashvertisements.
****Thus violating various articles of the Protection of Animal Rights Act.
*****at best.
#1262 – The Civil Rights Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
When people ask why I never leave China I usually reply that it’s because over the past decade this country has remained to be one of the last strongholds in the war against the erosion of civil rights and an unprecedented surge in discrimination. Don’t get me wrong, I have not always been opposed to discrimination. Quite in the contrary, at times I’d been very fond of it. Lots of good laughs, indeed. However, I drew the line when I was made the target. That’s where the fun usually ends.
It happened on March 29, 2004 in the early afternoon. My uncorrupted view on discrimination suddenly got turned upside down when a small and otherwise unimportant island nation, which until then was only known to some insiders for their bitter beer and pestering music (and the idiotic fun fact that they got no snakes), decided to ban smoking in all public places. What initially was overwhelmingly perceived as the childish notion of a bunch of degenerate do-gooders - and hence nothing but a flash in the pan - quickly became an epidemic of global proportions bound to rock the very foundations of human civilization. The passing of the dreadful law fed every non-smoking wisenheimer with the illusion of moral superiority and until today it encourages many of them to come along like the Spanish Inquisition whenever having the urge to convert a smoker, or just to go on a rant.
’Quit smoking, or get used to life as a Paria’, is their sick credo that I must have heard more than a hundred times from these troubled minds, while I in return always had the decency not to inquire about their small penis or sandy crotch.
Today the virus of paternalism has infected the entire (!) Western world and taken possession of vast areas of Asia, too, thus further poisoning our societies with cantankerousness, hypocrisy and political correctness.
I fear that by now the ongoing witch hunt has decimated the overall population of smokers to such a small number that they should officially be recognized as an endangered species. If we don’t act now they’ll be extinct next time we check.
The mismanagement in its infinite wisdom has therefore appointed three hares to take part in a ground-breaking experiment. They all represent a different side of the coin: a chain smoker, a non-smoker and an occasional smoker. The idea is that if they’ll manage not to kill or attempt to evangelize one another until they reach the B-point, why should the other humans in the world not be able to follow suit, hence giving smokers a fair chance for survival? And, if on Saturday it turns out that despite their differences the hares cooperate to the extent that they set another Best Hash Ever, well, then this has to be interpreted as a clear sign that both species might even be able to co-exist peacefully and in harmony and for their mutual benefit.
The stakes are high on Saturday, after all it’s about our future. Find out whether it’ll be multi-colored or grey.
When: Saturday, March 29, 2014 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Himalaya, Circle Jerk, 00
On On,
00
# 1261 – The World Water Day Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
The World Water Day was introduced to reduce the consumption and improve the quality of water. It goes without saying that the Guangzhou Hash supports such noble causes. In order to mark the importance of the occasion the mismanagement has even gone so far as to appoint two hares who have always been at the forefront in the War on Water.
‘Last Saturday again I witnessed how hashers wasted water by lavishly drinking it, not only before or during the run but also afterwards; and in spite of the fact that the Hash provides great alternatives. Frankly, I find such egoistical behavior revolting. It leads us straight to global drought and subsequently the extinction of humanity and, I fear, eventually to the demise of the Guangzhou Hash. To set an example on how to save us from such adversities I have restrained myself from any secular use of water during the entire last week, or at least ever since I remembered that we’ll have a swimming-pool at the B-point,’ clamored our Religious Advisor and role model during his weekly sermon at the Gold Mango Bar very late last night. ‘There is only one responsible use of water, and that is to turn it into beer*, thus improving its quality,’ he concluded.
See how it’s done.
When: NEW MEETING TIME: Saturday, March 22, 2014 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Hunkaspunk and Forest Hump
On On,
00
*Why not turn water into wine you may ask. Well, the Beermeister insists that he is a Beermeister and not a Winemeister and that good hashers drink beer and not wine or, for that matter, water. And the Religious Advisor dismissed the idea as ridiculous since it totally lacks originality.
PS: Make sure you turn off all the taps at home when you go to the Mango Bar on Saturday. And think twice before you open a bottle of water. Couldn’t, or better, shouldn’t you have a beer instead?
Meanwhile in another part of China and not far from the GZH3, the Best Hash in Greater China:
The Interhash 2014, Haikou
# 1260 – The Daylight Saving Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
**** Starting this Saturday we meet at 1.30 PM again, bus leaves at 2 PM sharp ****
A lot of you people whined that last Saturday’s trail wasn’t long enough and by far too flat. We from the mismanagement take such complaints extremely serious and have ordered the hares not to be such pussies again this Saturday.
The hares promise that the Guangzhou hashers will get what they deserve, which is only the best.
When: Saturday, March 15, 2014 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Muffdiver & 00
On On,
00
Interhash Prelube Weekend March 8/9/10
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
AS YOU KNOW, the Haikou Hash is hosting the Interhash in March 2014. Already more than 4000 hashers from all over the world have signed up for this event including a bunch from the Guangzhou Hash.
The Interhash committee has asked us to host a warm-up party (aka ‘The Prelube’) for international hash travelers who get to this part of the world early, and we said Yes. A lot of the travelers would come anyway, so better be well-prepared and show them how much fun Guangzhou and the GZH3 are.
· The fun starts* on Saturday, March 8, 2014 @ 12.30. As always, we will take the bus from the Gold Mango Bar and get the hell out of the city.
· On Sunday, March 9, 2014 @ 1.30 we see each other at the Gold Mango Bar for a hangover hash and more. This is also a countryside run.
· On Monday, March 10, 2014 @ 7.30 PM the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash will host a city run. As usual, we will start from a subway station and run to a restaurant.
If you want to On On to the Interhash you should get to Haikou by Thursday, March 13, 2014.
YOU CAN HELP US….
We have absolutely no idea how many hashers we’ll have to expect for The Prelube, but there are a few things that we have to do now. Our guests would probably want to sleep somewhere, and since the Gold Mango Bar is the center of the world on that weekend, we would like them to stay in hotels around our best and only Hash Bar.
…FIND ACCOMMODATION
In fact, we already got a whole lot of registrations for The Prelube and people are asking for hotel options. So, please talk to hotels in the area, ask them for room rates, discounts, online booking and payment options, and if possible have a look at a room or two.
…ASSIST IN FINDING TRANSPORTATION TO HAIKOU
Can someone find out how to get to Haikou by train and ferry? How much is it, how long does it take, the regular schedule and whether tickets can be purchased online? Is there a homepage?
…USE YOUR CHINESE SKILLS
I get some inquiries in Chinese. Who can help answering those?
We appreciate everybody’s input.
On On,
00
*This is only the official start to The Prelube. It’s rumored that there will be a great party at the Gold Mango Bar on Friday night - a prelube to The Prelube so to say.
# 1257 – The 50 Years Closer To Death Run
Dear Guangzhou Hashers,
This Saturday Constipation will celebrate his 50th birthday.
Doctors call it a “medical miracle” that he has made it this far but he himself contributes it simply to his intensive smoking of Taiwanese Long Life cigarettes during his years on the ROCk. Anyway, he is now officially an old fart which means that from now on you are expected to offer him a seat when he enters the Hash bus! Expensive gifts, fat HongBao’s and lap dances will be appreciated this Saturday, thank you. Only one question remains: when will he finally start to grow up?
And if this is not enough, Co-hare and well respected GZH3 beer master Forest Hump will celebrate his 29th birthday at the same day. He might look a bit nervous, stressed and even frightened to you this Saturday but don’t worry, that’s only because his girlfriend explained to him that this is in China the perfect age to get married……
And if this is still not enough for you, this Saturday will also be 1 day before Little Turd’s 11th birthday so you might wanna get her drunk as well…..oh wait….
Further details:
When/Where: meet at Mango Bar this Saturday at 1PM
Hares: Constipation & Forest Hump
ONON!!
Constipation
