Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
#1222 - The Bonding Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Due to the enormous success of Angelina Blow Me and Papasan’s daddy-daughter hash last month, the mismanagement feels inclined to give another daddy-daughter* team a chance for some intergenerational “bonding by haring”.
When: Saturday, July 13, 2013 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: French Tickler featuring Ailar
What: The Bonding Hash
On On,
00
*Before I am once again going to receive intimidating mails from those people who shoot before they ask, please, let me point out one thing: We do tolerate** kids on the hash, but the GZH3 is not going to turn into a family hash. We’d never actively encourage anyone to bring their offspring along*** unless, of course, it can be deployed as hare.
**if they fulfill these two simple requirements: a) being invisible and b) being inaudible
***No offense, but every given Saturday we see the heart-breaking effects of overexposing children to hashing. So, dear hash-parents, please do take very seriously what the young and charming Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department had to report on this topic during last night’s hash press conference:
‘Hashing is a mind-altering activity that not only encourages your precious ones to pick up terminologies which also skanky crack whores would find inappropriate, but it also exposes them to new and, face it, usually pretty daft ideas, a fact that might very well backfire at you once your kids get into situations where they have to socially interact with normal people. This “hash-effect”, as we call it in the professional world, appears to be even more extreme when it comes along as intense as the Guangzhou Hash!’
The Liberation Full Moon Hash
On 25 August 1944 Paris was liberated from Nazi occupation.
The Guangzhou Hash is still under German occupation (aka 00) and the full moon hash is managed by Dutch collaborators (aka Hunka Spunk & Constipation).
This Thursday we have an opportunity to be liberated from our oppressive overlords. Come join your fellow hashers as we follow an escape route through Guangzhou that ends at a restaurant where the flow of beer and fellowship of the hash will liberate your spirit.
The Full moon hash will be Thursday 25 August at Zhu Jiang Xin cheng metro station exit B1 at 7 PM.
#1221 - The Smirkish Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Earlier this week I had a rendezvous with Reality. It had a big smirk on its ugly face. Do I have to say more?
Yes, I probably do.
With four active hashers gone we do not only need more hares, but also more volunteers who show up at the Mango at 1.15 PM in order to prepare the drinks and the ice etc. Without such fine people the hash cannot operate properly. So, if you see that a helping hand is needed please don’t be shy and offer yours. If we all contribute a bit we can surely wipe that smirk of Reality’s face.
This week’s hares, Hunkaspunk and Forest Hump, are both hashers with impressive track records of having defied Reality on many occasions. During the Hash press conference very late last night at the Mango Bar some concerned concerners expressed concerns though.
‘How could the Harerazor* appoint Hunka to be this week’s hare? Doesn’t he know that the Religious Advisor has to soothe the weather gods on Friday evening to make sure we’ll have good running weather on Saturday? Do you really think that this goes well together with setting another best hash ever???’
‘Yes, exactly’ replied Hunkaspunk**, and the smirk on his face was truly priceless.
Well, Reality, it’s on. Good luck trying to wipe that one of Hunka’s face.
When: Saturday, July 6, 2013 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
What: Lots of smirks
Who: Hunkaspunk & Forest Hump
On On,
00
*this is in fact Constipation, but since he isn’t used to being referred to as “the Harerazor” he showed absolutely no reaction whatsoever when this misfit of a hasher “articulated” his concern.
**there was that awkward moment though, when everyone waited for the Harerazor to make a statement*** giving Hunkaspunk**** more time to work on this very elaborate reply.
***which, needless to say, never happened
****to be referred to as “the Religious Advisor” or "the RA" from now on
#1224 - The Refugee Hash
Threatened by his own government to hunt him down and tax him to death Constipation looked for a safe place to stay and found it on the other side of the world: The Middle Kingdom.
This was exactly 20 years ago and to celebrate this memorable moment he and fellow misfit Hunkaspunk will set a run that you will remember 20 years from now.
So bring your 50rmb, your craving for beer and your swimsuit as there will be probably some kind of water to swim in at the end of the run, however, as you know, Point B on a Hunka/Constipation run is never a sure thing.
Further details:
Where/when: Meet a Mango Bar at 1:30PM this Saturday
Dinner: at the run site
Special remark from the Hares: You don’t want to miss this one!
ONON!!
Constipation
July & August 2013
#1229 & 1230 - The 1500th Shekou Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
I still cannot get over what happened yesterday. Everything seemed to play out so perfectly. The trail was meeting GZH3 requirements although Fingerlicker had replaced Angelina Blow Me as Papasan’s co-hare which had naturally raised a lot of (finally unsubstantiated) concern on the bus ride out. We gave Angelina Blow Me a fantastic fuck off memory to take with her to Boston. Twisted Dick got his hash name* at the end of an unusually long circle. And hasher extraordinaire War and Peace of Shit from the Seoul Hash showed us a really good time in the circle and then in the restaurant where he performed long-missed ‘Alouette’ on Angelina Blow Me.
However, it was in this very restaurant where my mood turned from sweet to sour. Believe it or not, a bunch of just 12 middle-aged locals outpartied 45 of Guangzhou Hash’s finest and liveliest hashers plus hasher extraordinaire War and Peace of Shit! I felt even more embarrassed when I learnt that they were celebrating the 15th anniversary of their graduation in - true story - chemical engineering. These nerds were having such a hell of a good time that for a while I honestly thought theirs was the super-fun table before I realized they weren’t with us at all. It showed me that our Hash still has potential to the upside, especially when it comes up to partying.
Drastic times require drastic measures and the mismanagement officially contacted the Shekou Hash (aka “the Party Hash”) in order to get a lecture on partying. Thankfully, they agreed to show us a good time during the weekend August 31st and September 1st. By coincidence this is also Shekou’s 1500th run and they invite us to their favorite beach hangout in Dongchong.
To return this great favor, hares from the Guangzhou Hash will set the hangover run on Sunday. Circle Jerk and I just returned from a scouting trip to Dongchong and the trail we found is breath-taking, stunning and mind-blowing, and this is probably still an understatement.
If we get more than 50 people we will already send the first bus to Dongchong on Friday evening, August 30th, 2013. Otherwise we will all leave on Saturday morning on the same bus.
Dongchong is a somewhat fancy place, and hotels aren’t as cheap as in Yingde or Conghua. We bargained a discounted room rate for about 50 people, and we hope that the hotel owner can find more rooms for the same rate in the neighbourhood. Until then we sell 50 tickets for 500 RMB per person. First come – first serve. So register as soon as possible and pay up to the hash cash. Please indicate whether you would be interested to go on Friday evening.
For 500 RMB you’ll get a night in a fancy hash hotel, dinner on Saturday, lunch and maybe breakfast on Sunday, beer and softies until you puke, a piece of haberdash (something fancier than a t-shirt) from the Shekou Hash, and two great trails of which at least one, but probably both, end on a sandy and clean (!) dream beach.
When: Saturday, August 31st to September 1st, 2013
Where: Dongchong, 40 km north of Shekou
What: Shekou 1500th run
How much: 500 RMB for the first 50 hashers to sign up
On On,
00
*For the slow ones: Twisted Dick is the hash name.
#1228 - The Accidental Hero Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Last night, regular patrons flocking out of The Mango could be overheard mumbling something about Tony attracting the wrong kind of crowd. I admit, hadn’t I known better, I also would have assumed that I had somehow ended up at the Annual Convention of the Clinically Depressed of Guangzhou*. The atmosphere was so pitiful, it was hard to believe that this was supposed to be the hash press conference of Greater China’s best hash.
When Constipation made a halfhearted attempt to find a hare by calling for ‘a true hero’ to emerge, no one had the balls to stand up and say ‘Yes, I’ll take the challenge. I am the bad ass that hares immediately after this Year’s Best Hash Ever, and I will of course dethrone Circle Jerk and Hisham!’
Even Hunkaspunk, last Saturday still a hero himself when he single-handedly chased away severe tropical storm Onur and arranged for sunshine during the run and the circle, joined the other cowards in staring sheepishly down at something only visible to him at the tip of his shoe.
It is in these times of crisis when the Guangzhou Hash develops this rare gift to reinvent itself by simply commemorating our core values and, hence, the stuff that defines us and gives us the amazing power to overcum every imaginable and also unimaginable obstacle: beer. After an accelerated emergency intake of the divine potion the hashers eventually started to think straight again, and to act reasonably. At one point someone even came up with a bright idea.
‘What’, asked this smart mouth, ‘if we’d find someone who hasn’t been to the hash in a while and has no idea what he is up against? Of course, it has to be someone gullible enough to believe that this isn’t just a set-up to save us other hares from a major embarrassment.’
‘Muffdiver, Muffdiver’ chanted everyone at The Mango upon hearing this suggestion, and the call echoed of the walls of the bar into the streets of Guangzhou, towards the coast and across the South China Sea all the way to Australia, where it finally reached Muffdiver. Needless to say, he instantly dropped everything, fetched his passport, a tooth brush and his hash gear, and hopped on the next plane to Guangzhou.
You might be wondering why you should attend a hash whose hare was tricked into a Mission Impossible. Well, let me remind you of what we have learnt from numerous inspiring Hollywood productions. Firstly, impossible missions usually get accomplished. According to the movies I’ve analyzed, the success rate adds up to an astonishing 98%. And secondly, the more pressure you put onto the hero, the more likely it is that he will be triumphant in the end. For the Guangzhou Hash this means that we can expect a trail that will soon only be referred to as the Best Hash Ever in 2013.
When: Saturday, August 24, 2013 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Muffdiver feat. his sidekick 00
What: The Accidental Hero Hash
On On,
00
*Last night, Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department handed out the number of a suicide hot line. This was not supposed to happen and the mismanagement apologizes for this gaffe. We strongly recommend to not to listen to the hot liners. They may call themselves professionals but they obviously aren’t very very good at it considering the fact that they can still give advice.
#1227 - The Syrian Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
If this week’s hares would have the say in their country, it’d probably be a place where doughnuts grew on trees, rivers were streams of chocolate mousse, and Smarties flew through the air. Unfortunately, they haven’t, and therefore,… well,… it is not, and a real mess instead. Hence, Circle Jerk and virgin co-hare Shem will utilize their tremendous organizational skills and leadership powers to set a truly visionary trail for the GZH3, further spreading Guangzhou’s fame as this planet’s only real Hash Paradise. Thanks, Assad, for letting us have them.
So, cum all to the Syrian Hash*. There’s absolutely no better way to waste your time.
When: Saturday, August 17, 2013 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Circle Jerk & Sham
On On,
00
*The first in a long line of epic runs.
#1225 - Angelina Blow Me's F@ck Off Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
When late last night Angelina Blow Me announced her upcuming retirement from the Guangzhou Hash emotions at the Gold Mango rose to new record heights. In fact so high that the air was getting really thin inside the bar, leaving some hashers desperately gasping for breath and others devoutly ejaculating to subjects who supposedly live in a place even further up*. ‘Oh dear gods, why are you tormenting us so much?’ and ‘Please, lords in the heavens, why do you take away from us the very purpose of our existence?’ were only the less pathetic prayers I was misfortunate enough to overhear**.
Hashers, this Saturday is all about Angelina Blow Me and not about us! So, let’s not be such self-centered sissies. Let us instead focus on how we can make her feel really miserable about fucking off and leaving us behind. After all, the poor girl is not only leaving Guangzhou, but also China, or for that matter, Asia. How will she cope with the new challenges such as the strange foreign food, or the cultural shock when she eventually realizes that Western people can be nice, too?
‘Don’t worry’, explained a very laid-back Angelina Blow Me her ever-pragmatic approach on life, ‘before people’s nicety is going to break my ovaries I’ll join the Boston Hash****’.
So, cum all to say farewell to Angelina Blow Me.
When: Saturday, August 3, 2013 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Papasan & Angelina Blow Me
On On,
00
*where the air so incredibly thin that the Religious Advisor of the GZH3 recommends staying the hell outta there. Now, and also during your after-life.
**needless to say that I despise the degrading political incorrectness*** of this prayer I felt disgusted the very moment I made it up. It’s an outrage.
***there cannot only be lords in the heavens. And if so I can imagine a lot of better things to do than going to one of their sausage fests, aka ‘parties’.
****The Boston Hash has reportedly becum a favorite hang-out for ex-Guangzhou Hashers, so it’s fair to assume that it’s probably a very good one.
