Guangzhou Hash House Harriers
March & April 2016
Hashvertisement #1366 - The Spoiled Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
As you know, most hashvertisements aren’t very different from any other press release, meaning that they always sound as if a hearing-impaired person noted down what a blind man reported to him, before edited by the moron on duty and finally shared with the entire internet community.
The unbiased author of this week’s hashvertisement however follows a very different and extremely rare journalistic concept, still known to some as ‘telling the truth’. Needless to say that such an unheard of approach inevitably calls for the raising of a massive spoiler alert. Hence, if you prefer not to know whether the upcumming hash will end happily or in tears, stop reading here and scroll directly down to the When, Where and Who section.
Under a beautifully blue sky two Adonis-like looking and extremely well-hung younglings, aka ‘the hares’, make their way out to a mesmerizingly beautiful land to preset the trail for this week’s hash. Of course, these two strong and enduring athletes with their well-shaped bodies are perfectly capable of haring live. However, they choose not to because they are on a mission. Their goal is to set nothing less but the Best Hash Ever, and possibly even the Best Hash of 2016. And they know that a preset run is always that little tad more perfect than any given perfect live trail!
That is why the trail is not too long and also not too short. It is of the right distance. It can get steep at times, but never too steep for people to plunge to their death. The hilly bits with the amazing views are taking perfectly timed turns with perfectly runnable stretches through mystical forests. The marking is flawless at all times.
In the circle the enthusiastic and sexually aroused pack will carry the visionary and intellectually superior hares on their shoulders and praise them as the ‘Best Hares Ever of the Best Hash Ever’, a claim they fully deserve. And later that night, when everybody is back at the Mango Bar, Tony will look as if he keeps a hanger in his mouth, so wide is his grin when he sees the hashers’ ongoing ganbei-ing to the fact that they have witnessed history in the making.
When: Saturday, March 5, 2016 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Sleeping Beauty and 00
On On,
00
Hashvertisement #1367 - Le Fuck Off Hash de Dyu Lay Lama
Ladies & Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Saturday marks the end of an era for the Guangzhou Hash and ushers in a period of uncertainty as one of our best hashers says "au revoir" on his way back to France. When Diu Lay Lama leaves us, the Hash will be in desperate need for someone to hash three times per year* and to supply us with delicious wine when needed.** It is in appreciation of these occasional services to the GZH3 and all of his 50RMB payments that we lift a glass in DLL's honor this Saturday to say, "Fuck off, dearest wank."
Diu Lay Lama likes his Saturdays long and hard***, and that is exactly what this week's hares have promised in his honor. The mismanagement also intends to take advantage of the fact that Thumbleprints is still out of town by raiding the Hash Cash to fund a Bread, Cheese, & Wine Stop**** in homage of the one thing that we can actually tolerate about his homeland.
Saturday's hash truly promises to be a legendary event as we use DLL's departure as an excuse to have nice things and celebrate having one less Frenchie on the Guangzhou Hash. Bring yourself, bring a virgin, and most importantly bring a Francophone to translate all the rench singing that will be occurring.
See you Saturday for the best Bread, Cheese, & Wine Stop of 2016, and stand uuuuuup if you haaate the French, stand up....
* - To DLL's credit, all 3 hashes are usually harings, and the trails are all quite good.
** - Fortunately we have Holy Moly...
*** - Not a dick joke. "Long and hard" is referring to DLL playing Mah Jong with his wife's parents all weekend.
**** - Luckily the sitting Hash Cash is a Kiwi and a fox in the hen house when it comes to protecting the money from wine and cheese expenditures.
What: GZH3 Run #1367: Le Fuckoff Hash de Dyu Lay Lama
Hares: Double-00 & Cum Cannon
When: Saturday, March 12, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
On On!,
Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1368 - The Non-Bureaucratic Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
There is no reason to doubt that this week’s hash will be any less exciting than any other Best Hash Ever: The trail is German engineered, hence ingenious, and the weather will once again be hashedelic due to the timely sacrifice of a virgin scout and a virgin hare.
Upon announcing this during the hash press conference at the Gold Mango Bar late last night emotions got somewhat out of control, and the author of this hashvertisement sincerely hopes that Tony will be able to finish the renovation works in good time before the Nash Hash.
“Since when is the mismanagement counting our scoutings?” a furious activist hasher demanded to know. “This violation of our privacy must stop! Now!” he added, and the pack began to cheer louder.
“And what's with that publishing of our real hash names on the website?” another hasher inquired. “Can’t the mismanagement even protect our hash identities properly?”
“But we need to publish them so that everybody can see whether we spell them correctly. You know, for the Nash Hash mugs,” one mismanager explained once the pack let him breathe again. And after another minute under water he cried out “You see, we engrave your names on the mugs.”
Well, that made sense, but when the pack finally got ready to untie him one real smart hasher shouted, “Who cares, the deadline for getting the mug engraved ended yesterday.”
That also made a lot of sense.
“No, no, no,” clarified the mismanager quickly before getting underwater again, “that was just a silly joke, a really silly joke indeed. The real deadline, of course, ends on Saturday. Just pay up to the Hash Cash and I personally will make sure that you get your real hash name engraved on the mug. Hasher’s word of honor”.
Now, less than 12 hours after this historical hash press conference and with the hangover slowly kicking in, I wonder whether all this really happened. Did I really witness how the masses brought their will upon the almighty mismanagement by simply cajoling them? And will the mismanagement keep its promise even if this means to overcome ancient bureaucratic structures, or are they once again only trying to trick you into speeding up your payment? Well, there’s only one way to find out: Pay the Hash Cash.
When: Saturday, March 19, 2016 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Forest Hump, Chao Fan, Demi and 00
On On,
00
Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash #118 - The Cosmic Alignment Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
There has been a lot of grumbling and dissension among the Full Moon hashers about poor planning and poor timing of our recent runs. The point of having a Full Moon Hash is to...above all else...actually be running underneath a full moon*. Some of our more recent hares on the GZFMH3 have been disregarding this idea entirely, setting hash runs one, two...sometimes THREE days away from the actual full moon. It's a travesty...a sham...a mockery. It's traveshamockery and, goddamnit, we've had enough!
Not only has GZFMH3 GM Gorf arranged for next week's hash to be set on the actual date of the full moon, he's pulled some astronomical strings so that the exact time of the full moon will be during our run. That's right...at exactly 8:00pm and 54 seconds, you'll feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, your libido surge, and receive a burst of psychedelic cosmic energy** as you try to track down the hare.
Speaking of the hare, Gorf was also adamant that everyone attend because, according to him, this week's hare is the best-looking, funniest, best down down-giving, and certainly the most modest of all the hares in all of Guangzhou. With a little luck, he might even set the Best FM Hash of 2016 because...with a little help from above...he's cosmically aligned to do just that.
* Fun fact: there actually IS a moon in Guangzhou. It's that fuzzy white cloud of carcinogenic pollution that is a little brighter than the other carcinogenic pollution.
** Damnit...hanging around Shoeless too much. Beginning to sound like him.
See you on Wednesday for cosmic and hashing perfection!
What: GZFMH3 Run #118: The Cosmic Alignment Hash
Hare: Three Inches of Pain
When: Wednesday, March 23, 7:30PM
Where: Lujiang Exit B (Line 8)
.
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1369 - The Last Herring Hash or Red Light's Fuck Off Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
As you know, the Guangzhou Hash is quite the xenophobic organization and is always looking for ways to cleanse our group of its ethnic imperfections. After the fucking off of Dyu Lai Lama resulted in a glorious sans-French hash, the Mismanagement has decided to use this as a springboard to weeding out more undesirables.
Just as our luck would have it, another member of one of our objectionable nationalities is leaving us, and it is with great pleasure that we send Red Light Strict Dick off with a Dutch-styled fuckoff hash. Red Light has teamed up with a small army* of cohares** to bring you a very Dutch hash, indeed. There will be no hills, the weather will be dark and dreary, and the hash cash will be stingy with its funds...
...wait, wait, wait...this hash doesn't sound very fun at all. Hmm...
On second thought, in order to actually attract people to the Hash, this will be a very non-Dutch Hash. To keep things as non-Dutch as possible, there will be hills, great weather, German beer, Belgian beer, Chinese food, and certainly no World Cup titles. The only remnants of the Dutch you'll find on the trail are the hare, the fresh herring he has promised us at the B point, and the ever-present fragrance of Eau de Hunka on the bus.
On On Saturday as we celebrate Red Light's fucking off and the Guangzhou Hash coming one step closer to ethnic perfection!
*large Dutch army.
**coherrs
What: GZH3 Run #1369: The Last Herring - Red Light's Fuckoff Hash
Herrs: Red Light Strict Dick, Triple-XXX Ray, Turtlehead, and Dry Hump
When: Saturday, March 26, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
On On,
Three Inches of Pain
Agenda
Thursday, March 31 - Prelube Hash
5:00 - 6:30PM Mango Bar gathering (optional)
6:30PM Leave Mango Bar for A Point.
7:00PM Meet at A Point. Xicun Metro Exit B, Line 5
7:00PM On On!
9:00-??? Circle & Bash (Bash will be 20-25 minute floured walk from Mango Bar. Or catch a quick 10rmb taxi)
Friday, April 1 - Fool Moon City Run
5:00 - 6:45PM Registration and gathering at Mango Bar.
6:45PM Leave Mango Bar for A Point via metro.
7:15PM Meet at A Point. Liede Metro Exit C, Line 5
7:30PM On On!
9:00-??? Circle & Bash (Bash will be 20-25 minute floured walk from Mango Bar. Or catch a quick 10rmb taxi)
sponsored by our favorite Belgian beer, Vedett
Saturday, April 2 - Main Event
9:00AM - 11:30AM Registration and gathering at Mango Bar.
11:00AM Ballbuster depart.
12:00PM Long, Medium, Walkers depart from Mango Bar
12:00PM Ballbuster On On!
1:00PM Long & Medium Trail On On!
1:30PM Walkers Trail On On!
5:30 - 7:00PM Circle
7:00 - 8:30PM Bash
8:30PM Depart from B Point.
9:30PM Arrive at Mango Bar (approximately)
Sunday, April 3 - Hangover Hash
9:30AM - 11:00AM Registration and gathering at Mango Bar.
11:00AM Depart from Mango Bar
12:00-12:15PM On On!
2:30 - 4:00PM Circle
4:00 - 5:30PM Bash
5:00PM Depart from B Point.
6:00PM Arrive at Mango Bar (approximately)
Monday, April 4 - Rusty Man Challenge
8:30 - 9:30AM Registration and gathering at Mango Bar.
9:30AM Depart Mango Bar
10:00AM Event begins at PaddyField
12:00-1:00PM Circle at Mango Bar
For 880 RMB you get the Friday Full Moon Hash and Bash, Saturday and Sunday countryside hashes and bashes as well as our finest haberdash, including a hash mug with your hash name engraved. In order to get you your personalized mug register and pay until March 26.
To register and for payment instructions click here.
On On,
GZH3 Mismanagement
15th All China Nash Hash 2016
March 31 - April 4, 2016
Hashvertisement #1372: The Lake-to-Lake Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
With the rising temperatures, humidity, and pollution, this weekend's herrs thought it best that they get us a little bit wet* before and after the run. Not only will Saturday's hash begin from a lake, but the hares have promised that there will be swimmin' available at the B point. No clear answer as to how clean this lake might potentially be, but the hares have recommended that you bring something to change into if you care to cleanse last weekend's flour, beer, sweat, tequila, and eggs off your body.
This Saturday's run also kicks off the Three Inches of Pain ACNH Apology Tour, so if I said any stressed words or scarred your retinas with pictures in a kilt, I'll begin making it up to you then. Kudos to everyone who helped with the ACNH for making it a great event - we still have thank you texts rolling in from many of our visitors.
On On Saturday to wash your soul of last weekend's debauchery and get busy making more of the best worst decisions you'll ever make.
*Still trying to do this for the women in their lives.
What: GZH3 Run #1372: The Lake-to-Lake Hash
Herrs: Constipation & Forest Hump
When: Saturday, April 9th, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
On On,
Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1373: The Spicing Things Up Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Just like any relationship, the Hash can tend to get a little repetitive and monotonous after you've been going steady for a while. Yours truly and the mismanagement have been trying to find a way to spice up the hash and keep things interesting before we all suffer a mid-life crisis, buy a convertible, and move on to a younger, sexier hash. Fortunately, the Guangzhou Hash is still the best around and the smartest thing to do with your time and 50 kuai on Saturdays, but we thought we'd try to rekindle old passions by introducing something new...
Shoeless Ho suggested some "hashadelic techno" for the bus, but this was quickly shot down by those of us with good taste in music. Thumbelprints thought we should give away 100rmb notes via random drawings, but luckily there were some who spoke out against her wasteful spending habits. Minuteman and Bollyboobs even collaborated on a new line of S&M haberdash, including whips, knee-length black leather hiking boots, and ball gags for hashers who can't shut up*.
Luckily, however, our Beermeister saved the day once more and has managed to procure some new beer for us**. Hash 1373 will feature Viking and Warsteiner beers in addition to the usual collection of Chinese garbage that we have each week, and Cum Cannon has also managed to spice things up even more by providing us a virgin hare to be mercilessly defloured on the trail and in the circle.
On On Saturday as we make things interesting again with good beer, a virgin, and the best hash this week!
* - Foot-in-Mouth
** - Cheers to Menage a Moi and Pound-a-Cherry for the assists.
What: GZH3 Run #1373: The Spicing Things Up Hash
Hares: Cum Cannon, Red Rocket, & VIRGIN HARE Rolling in the D
When: Saturday, April 16th, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro Exit B
On On,
Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash #119
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
When the hares announced their plans for this week's Full Moon Hash, they kept raving about the beautiful green fields through which their trail would run and the lovely smell the hashers would experience while doing so. Speaking at the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash Press Conference (Sponsored by Mango Bar) on Sunday night after an evening of scouting, Hare Turtlehead mumbled, "So yeah, man...like...it's gonna such...like...a great hash, man. Like, green fields, for serious."
Added Hare Fill-Her-Up in a gentle sigh: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh*."
Confusion reigned as the myriad of reporters at the press conference tried to decipher what the obviously-inebriated hares were trying to say about their trail. After some translation, however, it has become apparent to this GM that the stutter in the hare's step must be due to the impending international holiday that is 4/20. Yes, dear hashers, it's that time of year when smokers of the world light up, enjoy some hippie lettuce together, and just chill**.
It seems as though the Guangzhou Hash is no different, and that these magical fields of green the hares have promised might just get you in the spirit of 4/20 as well. In the words of the immortal Bob Marley: "Lively Up Yourself, Stir It Up, Don't Worry 'Bout a Thing, and On On for the best Full Moon Hash of the 4/20 season!"
*We're not sure if Fill-Her-Up was high or just sighing with relief that he's single again for the next month.
**Unless you're African-American, and then you go to jail for 20 years for having a blunt in your ear.
***Bring a TORCH!!!
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1375: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Hash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Sergio Leone's epic spaghetti western The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly follows three bounty hunters around the American West in search of a missing cache of Confederate gold during the Civil War. With its sweeping landscapes and iconic soundtrack, TGTB&TU is widely-considered to be the best western ever made, with many calling it the greatest cinematic triumph of all-time*.
Much like Clint Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef, and a superb Eli Wallach, this week's trio of hares will set out to find Hash treasure, themselves. In search of virgin trails, streams that run gold with beer, and a B point with something other than tofu, these hares will do whatever it takes to find their Hashing fortune. Alliances will be made, friendships broken, and virgin cherries will be pounded as the hares bring the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly to the Guangzhou Hash...
The Good: Three Inches of Pain has promised two buses to arrive on time at Mango Bar, a beautifully-scenic trail, delicious beer at the B point, and a delightful circle punctuated by a wonderful meal afterward. Sounds like, sounds like...
The Bad: Cum Cannon will deliver some loooong and haaard false trails, give a cruel and demeaning down down to some witless girl in heels, and coldly kill anyone who stands between him and his German beer.
The Ugly: Pound-a-Cherry is going to bring 17 non-drinking virgins to witness him losing his haring virginity along the hallowed slopes of Maofengshan. Red Rocket has promised to make quick work of it, as he is turned on much more by Pound-a-Cherry than last week's virgin hare**.
Saddle your steed, holster your .45, and mosey on down to the Mango Bar for this week's greatest hash ever!
* If Tarantino says so - it's the truth.
**Two weeks in a row - two virgin hares. Somebody get Red Rocket a cigarette.
***You may have noticed that the run numbers jumped from 1373 to 1375. This is because the hasher in charge of the Holy GZH3 Excel spreadsheet declared that the Friday run of the ACNH would count toward GZH3 run totals. Meh...whatever...this just means we get to celebrate the 1500th one week earlier in 2018.
What: GZH3 Run #1375: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Hash
Hares: Cum Cannon, Red Rocket, Three Inches of Pain, & VIRGIN HARE Pound-a-Cherry
When: Saturday, April 23rd, 1:00 PM SHARP!
Where: Mango Bar - Taojin Metro E
On On!
-Three Inches of Pain
Hashvertisement #1376 - The BureaucraticHash
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, it has become a wonderful Guangzhou Hash tradition that our regular hares bring virgin hares onto the trail to teach them the, if I may say so, tricks of the haring trade, so that eventually we can at one point in the hopefully not so distant future welcum further ambitious hashers to the retar…, eh, rewarding world of Guangzhou haring and, and...’
What was supposed to become the high-spirited official launch of a brand new hash tradition quickly turned ugly at the hash press conference at the Gold Mango Bar late last night. There was a general consensus that of all the comments that were made ‘you dimwit ought to get your member cut off and squeezed all the way through your sphincter!’ was by far the kindest one (but only after the commenter had explained that ‘all the way’ wasn’t really that much of a way at all.)
‘When you took me haring you did it just so that you had someone to blame for all your fuck-ups and whose ass would go on the ice instead of yours!’ that foul-mouthed bad example of a hasher continued.
Of course, such an accusation fills every regular hare’s heart with a heavy sadness $superheavysadsmiley$. In fact, it makes us so sad that we, the United Regular Hashers Union of the Guangzhou Hash, promise to do whatever is humanly possible to ensure that none of us ever has to listen to such allegations again $happyagainsmiley$.
We therefore decree that with immediate effect virgin hares are required to sign a Memorandum of Understanding (regular hares are infallible, virgin hares aren’t) as well as a Non-Disclosure-Agreement (what happens on trail stays on trail) before they even get a fistful of flour!
Find out how this will play out for this week’s Virgin of the Week.
When: Saturday, April 30, 2016 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Womb Raider, Cum Cannon and 00
On On,
00
PS: We are truly sorry that we have to put you through all these dreadful formalities but to the regular hare the virgin hare is what the altar boy is to the priest $pissedoffwithatheistlawenforcementsmiley$.